This is getting very nasty

We had our last appointment with doctor S on Christmas Eve. We had started trying before we got her permission, on Sunday, but I thought that after staying in Chicago over Christmas, a very hard first for us, just to try to get pregnant, I should give it a shot. According to Fertility Friend our chances are good. The results from the uterine lining biopsy came back normal, but doctor S thought it may be maturing a little slowly, so she prescribed progesterone. I thought this would be taken by mouth, or injected... Of course not, you have to insert it vaginally, behind your cervix. Twice a day. In my case, with my tiny little fingers, which were never very practical even for masturbation, not to talk about placing little tiny orange balls behind a piece of myself... And now I say, "ho, ho, ho,ho...". What did Santa bring? 60 little round orange pills. I just inserted the first one, and it is nasty. Not easy. And my vagina feels funny. I hope that at least it will work...I have to start putting it in three days after the LH surge, and until my period starts again, or until the tenth week of pregnancy. I have some long months ahead of me...
Reviewing my daily routine, now that I have to teach at 8 am... I wake up at 6 so I can take the levothyroxine, so I can have breakfast one hour later at 7 so I can run to the University on time.While I wait to eat, I pop a little pill into my vagina. Repeat at night, followed by the prenatal vitamin. Ho, ho, ho, ho!!!!

Up... and down... up... and down...

... tarararararatararararara... This was a disco song from my teens. Long time ago. We are back to trying. I have to admit that we started on Sunday, without the doc's ok. But they left a message in my voicemail yesterday telling us to go ahead. My thyroid is back at 1.8, nice and comfortable. I still have to go on Thursday to get the results fromj the Yaleman. Nice start for my first Christmas Eve in the States. I don't enjoy the trying, but there is no way around it if I want a baby. DIY insemination is way cheaper than the medical one. So we'll keep trying. And if I don't get pregnant this month, 2010's will be the second Christmas I spend far from home. Tararararararatararararara. Up... and down... Just like my mood.

Done and cleared

I finally had my hysteroscopy done yesterday, and it wasn't nearly as scary or painful as I expected. They took very good care of me, the were gentle and sensitive, and doped me accordingly. As my doctor said, I was loopy. She also said that my uterus looked lovely, one of the best compliments I have ever heard. I left a happy woman. She found some scarring in my cervix (probably due to the IUD) that she had to remove in order to get in. But everything else is good. She took a biopsy that we sent to the man in Yale, so he tells us how my uterine lining is doing. And she wants to see us again on the 17th, to regroup, and, as far as my thyroid is back to normal, give us the go to trying again.
On the down side, we saw a genetic counselor on Tuesday regarding Hubby's chromosomal translocation. We have a 15% higher chance of miscarriage than everybody else, and we have a 3% higher chance of having a baby with birth defects, of any kind. Of course they offered embryo selection, sperm donation, and all kind of prenatal invasive tests to decide whether to continue with the pregnancy or not. Of course I refused. They were understanding, and not at all pushy. They understood. And I am glad they did. Because there is no reason that would make me get rid of my baby. I totally respect whatever decision anyone else does. But not me. I couldn't. They will be my babies. As the three I lost were. As the one who is running around the apartment naked still is. No mother should aspire to perfection. It's not how it works. And if you do, maybe you shouldn't be a mother at all. Am I being judgemental? Maybe. But I feel entitled. I will be just happy to keep being a mom. I know where I am getting myself into. I know the chances. And I will welcome and love every child we have. We won't cope with the problems until they arrive. Wisdom learning of the week.
Despite all this, I couldn't be happier. Because little L is walking (and running, and bouncing, and hugging, and kissing) proof that we can have a baby. I just can't wait to try again, with more knowledge, and more peace.

One year

I can't believe it, but it has been one year since I started this blog. Tomorrow is my birthday, which means that I should be cleaning up and preparing things for the party I finally had to organize myself. I'm certainly not happy about that. One year ago I hoped I would have a chubby baby in my arms by this time. I don't. I could have, the due date for the first miscarriage passed this week. But I don't. An I have two more missed due dates to go. They will be hard. I don't have a baby in my arms, but I know more than last week. It turns out that I'm fine. But our chances of carrying a baby to term are slimmer. Apparently little L was our lucky shot. The doc said we have good chances of having more babies. But they want to do all kinds of prenatal testing. And I don't. I won't. Because even in the worst case scenario, I would never terminate the pregnancy. I'm as agnostic as they come, but I have lost three tiny babies. As little as they could be at six weeks of pregnancy, they were my babies. I also won't get pregnant unless I have realistic expectations of having a VBAC. If a c-section is mandatory, I'm out.
We have an appointment with a genetic doctor in two weeks. They wanted to meet this week, but of course Mr Hubby is too busy. Which bugs me. A lot. The doctor made sure to repeat him one hundred times that it is not his fault. I didn't hear anything of the kind when the ball was on my side of the court. Am I pissed? Very much. Do I feel bad for him? Certainly. But when today I got a package with all the forms from the genetic office, I got mad. Because they are addressed at me. Because they include a shiny brochure of all the fancy prenatal tests they can perform. Because I know I'm in for a fight. And one year later, I don't know if it is a fight I can endure. What a lovely birthday I will have. In four hours, I will be thirty.

Incertidumbre

If you thought (as I did) that this sucks, wait until you read the next development. After I don't know how many calls to Dr S's office, trying to get the thyroid medication, the nurse finally called back. Of course, she didn't remember why I called her on the first place. I told her, and she told me she would check my test results, talk to the doctor, and call me back with the prescription. Instead, one hour later the doctor called. She just told me that she want to meet us as soon as possible to discuss some test results. I know something is wrong because the nurse told me that unless there is some red flag they don't give results until they have all the test, hysteroscopy included. And since she called, I asked the doctor if I should assume that there is something wrong. She said yes. We have the appointment for Wednesday, which will make for five very long days. I have already gone through the worst case scenarios: lupus, cancer, not being able to have more kids... It's a defense mechanism. Which won't work. And it will make me crazy. If there is something worse than bad news, is waiting for them in the dark. Arrrrggghhhh!

Mad

I am actually beyond mad. I just realized, that if my cycles do whatever FF expects them to do, my next tiny window for the hysteroscopy is... Thanksgiving!?F*&%# And the next one... Christmas!?@#%$&^**^( You can guess the rest. I went again on Wednesday to have my blood drawn for chromosomal testing. My arm is still sore and tender. And I couldn't even get the flu shot. Not that I want to, I would actually skip it altogether, and I won't get Little L one, but Dr S said it was not open to discussion. I told her I will get it if I can get before I'm pregnant, but that I won't, for anything, get it afterwards.
I had a revealing experience this weekend. I attended a workshop about Spanish feminine short stories, and while analyzing the texts I realized how much my life is focused on infertility right now. I see it everywhere. The funny thing was that my obsession led the well known author who was leading the workshop to talk to me at the end, and I managed to buy her lunch the day after, only to discover that she has also dealt with this kind of issues. Her advice? Stop it. Don't make yourself suffer anymore. Adopt. Not bad. At least she got me writing again, I think I have an idea for a short story book, and I already started. Let's see what happens. Of course, infertility is there. As it is everywhere else. I have nightmares. I have gained at least six pounds in the last three weeks. I'm anxious, all the time. I'm not smoking because I don't feel like it (weiiiiird). So I eat. All the time. Constantly. Salty, sweet, salty, sweet... It's disgusting. I want to stop. I had managed to lose some weight over the last months... Gaining it back in mere weeks doesn't seem like a good idea. I guess I need my therapist. A lot. Or a baby. But that will not happen in at least a couple of months. Sigh.

Already upset

And I have known the doctor for just a few weeks... I called several times last week trying to get some of my test results, to no avail. The nurse told me that they only give them to you when they have all of them and the doctor meets with you to design a plan. That already made me a little mad, since it is my blood, all 16 vials of it. Then, I called to let them know that I ovulated on Saturday, and I needed to set up an appointment to do the hysteroscopy. Their answer? They are already booked!!!!!!! I was extremely mad and disappointed. This can happen again next month. A few sweeties here and there, and thanking me for being patient will not fix it. The only thing they have gotten is for me to reconsider the hysteroscopy. I want them to give me the results for the thyroid test now, start taking hormones to fix that now, and maybe try to get pregnant again in one month, without doing the hysteroscopy. I know I run a pretty high risk of miscarrying again. But no one can guarantee me that it couldn't happen anyway after further testing. And this way we don't touch an already touched uterus. With my gynecologic luck, I'm sure I will be the 1% complication rate. I'm always the residual percentage. I make all their statistics. It sucks. Am I making any sense? Yes, I'm in a hurry. But I am about to run out of pages in my little pink Moleskine, the one I use to record all my FF data. And I am certainly in a worse place than when I started.

Tapping my fingers

I am waiting. Waiting is killing me. I'm not good at it. I'm impatient. At least I finally had my period, so now I am waiting for that lovely ovulation to happen. Until then, I'm back to the FF chart, and doing OPKs every day. And when I'm done waiting for the ovulation, I have to wait another ten days until they do the hysteroscopy. Which sounds uncomfortable, and a little scary. It only has a .5% risk of complications, but with my luck, I will be the .5%. But we need to do it. I didn't get any test results back yet, and since it'[s been twenty days I'm going to start bugging my doctor's office. I want something. Some bait while I wait. Ahhhhhrgggg!
On another note, I have realized I'm not healed from the miscarriages. I thought I had already mourned them. But nope. Last weekend my mom shot me the news that my cousin and his wife are having a baby in May. It was harsh. I started crying, hysterically. I wasn't crying because of the baby they are going to have, of course, I'm actually happy for them. I was crying for the babies I will never have, the three I already lost. And for the uncertainty about the future. I was crying because I ain't going to have no baby. So now, three people very dear to me are going to have babies around the times of the three due dates that could have been. Thanks nature, babies emanate happiness.

We have a plan

I finally got to see the fancy specialist at University of Chicago, Dr Stephenson, on Thursday. She was personable, respectful, and kind. And very very very proactive, which is all I want now. The first thing that called her attention is my thyroid. She didn't like the fact that has been at 3.5 for a while. I didn't like it either, but my regular OB didn't care about it. That on its own could have caused the miscarriages. But, to be sure, she took 16 vials of my blood (yes, sixteen, and I hadn't even had breakfast, so imagine...) and she is going to test for various things. She also wants to do a hysteroscopy and a biopsy of my uterine lining. That will happen between 9 and 11 days after my next LH surge. I haven't even had my period yet, so I guess it will be at the end of October. It's a little invasive, and given my history with tachycardia she needs to give me some extra drugs to keep my heart at a safe rate. I hate that I cannot control when will it happen. And I have to do OPKs again. I'm cooking garbanzo beans tonight, and I will drink their broth. At least when I was young in Spain, we were told that that causes you period to come. I'm sure it was all the placebo effect, but I will try it anyway, it may work. Once they do the biopsy, the lining is sent to a lab in Yale, to be analyzed by the only guy in the States who does this kind of high tech test. And we'll go from there. She also told me that I have to quit smoking (I know, and I did quit before trying the three times), but since she said I need to be clear of nicotine for one month before trying, and that is not going to happen in the next two months, I think I will give myself an extension. I'm rather anxious, and a cigarette a day helps cope with that. Plus, I am back (sort of) in the club scene, so I will take it easy for some weeks.
I hate having to wait so long. I want a baby, and I want that baby now. As I said before, I want to go to sleep and wake up nine months later with a baby on my pillow.
I liked the doctor because she was the first one to pay any attention to my Fertility Friend charts, that I have been retrieving for a year. I liked her because she actually paid attention to me. She even asked what was my theory about what's going on, and she seemed to agree with me, or at least take my gut feelings into account. And considering that these are matters of the gut, I find that very important. I felt respected. I felt understood. She didn't try to minimize my losses. She didn't say, "It's fine". Because it's not. And she knows it. Now I know hope.

Update

I have my first appointment with Dr S on September 24th. They are fully booked until then. I don't know if that means that they are good or that uteruses are evolving to a less functional stage. At least we are moving. Slowly. But I feel more active than before. I'm still devastated, but I'm coming to terms with what has happened. My abdomen hurts, my back hurts, my whole body hurts, but none of those pains is comparable to the one my heart bears. I have lost three babies. And my biggest fear now is that I may forget about the one who is sleeping in his crib right now. That I make him feel like he is not enough. I hope I am able to avoid that. Because I only want for him o have someone to play with, someone with whom he can share his experiences, his life. All those laughs and giggles, all that love that he is generous enough to share with us. He is the love of my live. I just want a little polygamy.

:(:(:(:(

Yesterday I woke up at 5 a.m. with pretty bad cramping... Of course I couldn't go back to sleep. I went to the doctor, and they made me wait one hour and a half in a waiting room full of pregnant, very pregnant ladies. It wasn't my OB's fault, it was her silly staff. She didn't check me, or anything, she just referred me to the University of Chicago clinic. I have been trying to get an appointment since yesterday, with no luck so far. I war daring enough to ask her if this ruins my chances of having a VBAC with her. To my surprise she didn't lecture me about my priorities, she just said that she would jump if she gets to deliver my baby. Then she hugged me. It's a tiny gesture, but my grief been acknowledged is huge on itself. And she is the only person who doesn't give me any crap. She knows I may never have kids again, so she didn't say anything of t he likes of "Don't worry, everything is going to be fine". Because she doesn't know if that's true. And I appreciate honesty. I wasn't able to sleep until 2 a.m., I cooked a pot of chicken noodle soup I wasn't able to try, since I'm not hungry at all, and for some reason my whole body aches today.
Life goes on, just not inside of me. Outside, I have to go to my therapist today (it will help, I'm sure), and I have to meet my new supervisor, since I'm going back to work next week. Well, I know her, but I haven't seen her in five years. Best day to meet her.

Miscarriage, 3rd edition

It started a couple of hours ago. We went to the Shangai Circus at Navy Pier with a friend and her daughter. The kids were having so much fun that for a minute I was able not to think about it. And then I started to feel the pain. It was like the other two times. I knew. Sure enough, I checked and there was the blood. We are back home now, I have my stash of gossip magazines, starting with my Spanish Hola, I have a blanket, but my bed has been taken by a two year old. I'll curl up in there when he goes to take his bath. I'm not hungry, or thirsty, or even tired. But I don't have any energy left. My head is about to explode. I'm sad beyond even my understanding.
Y mañana será otro día, and hopefully I will have some time to rest. But I have to start my quest for an answer, for a solution. I need to know why, and I need to know how to fix it. And if we can't fix it, I need to know that, too. I'm sure I'll have to go to the doctor tomorrow, and I will try to get an appointment with the best specialist in Chicago on RPL. She runs a clinic at the University of Chicago. That's a start. This is an end.

:(

Progesterone= 5
hCG= 49
My doctor finally called this morning with the news. Even if the hCG went up a bit it doesn't mean anything. She still thinks that I will miscarry on Monday or Tuesday. So, I'm basically waiting for the blood to come. Do you have any idea of how hard that is? It is almost unbearable. This morning, before I even heard from my OB, I had to get in bed because I had no energy left. I seriously couldn't move for about an hour. After that, my husband came, and I broke in tears, I cried as loud as I ever had.
My best friend in Chicago is in labor. I'm happy for her, no doubt about it. But going to see her tomorrow, and to meet her beloved baby, while I know I am miscarrying mine is going to be difficult. I had to attend he baby shower while I was having the last miscarriage. Nice timing. But I love her so much that I will go regardless. I'll eat up my tears, and let them out when I'm back home.
I presume this is going to have a very hard week. I start a new teaching job, I interview for another one, and we are going to move in fifteen days. Luckily all that will keep me busy. But I will also be exhausted. Emotionally drained. Even more than I am right now. The worse part is that I lack the energy to spend time with my beloved son. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves a better mom. One that's not broken. I just want my little sesame seed to stay. I'm doing my best to keep him comfortable in there for as long as he wants to stay. He is alive, and he is my baby. My very tiny little baby.

Waiting

And this wait is like a torture inflicted by a sadistic power... "Why?" You cannot help asking yourself. "Why me?" And that's a dangerous road. I would have crashed my car this morning, driving away from my doctors office. They drawn blood again, I hopefully will have the results by tomorrow. Thanks to that toddler who was sitting in the back of my car I kept driving through my tears instead of driving into the lake. I don't think I have ever felt this devastated. This unfulfilled. Little L is the only person that can make me smile right now. I only want his hugs. And his love will make me strong enough to stand this wait. This horrible wait.

And the doctor had bad news.

Progesterone= 9
hCG=44

Which means that hCG hasn't doubled. Which means that I am going to miscarriage sometime in the next couple of weeks. And this journey just keeps getting worse. I had my hopes up because my Fertility Friend chart looked wonderful. But nope, my doc said today. "I'm afraid I don't have good news". And at that very moment time stopped, and I started to cry. It was loud, very loud, so much that my toddler got scared, came to me, stroke my face and said : "Ya'ta, ya'ta" (translated from Spanish toddlerese: "Don't worry, it's over". Which is what I tell him when he gets hurt.
Then I went to the Internet. I have secondary recurrent pregnancy loss. At least, now it has a name. Next steps:
1. Primal screaming a little bit more
2. Calling my therapist. I need her big time.
3. Having more blood drawn tomorrow.
4. Talking to my OB on Saturday about the results.
5. Making an appointment at a clinic specialized in RPL at the University of Chicago
6. Waiting. An awful wait. At least this time I may have time to say goodbye.
I know I will keep a little bit of hope, hope for that infinitesimal chance of keeping this baby that my doctor didn't want me to believe in. But I can't help it.

No news is good news

Today I went to have my blood drawn again, since my OB wants to make sure everything is fine. And since I was already downtown, I decided to treat myself to a crepe at Food Life. It's not the best crepe in the world, but it is still a chocolate crepe. Pretty decadent on its own. I don't like sweets that much, but the mere thought of my probable future sugar deprivation makes me crave desserts. I had Gestational Diabetes the first time around, and it's likely to come back, no matter what I do. I was lucky to be able to control it through diet then. I just hope I'm lucky enough to be able to get to the GD part this time :)

:)

Progesterone= 16
hCG= 52.

As I said, so far so good. :) Temperature keeps rising.
My OB wants to test again tomorrow to see how the numbers are doing. But I feel pregnant. I am pregnant. :)

So far, so good

At least this time I may manage to get the test results from the doctor before anything happens... I'm waiting for her call right now, and she should have the hCG results, and hopefully the progesterone one too. But I feel pregnant. I woke up at 4:45 to pee. And, as I have stated before here, I'm able to fly from Madrid to Chicago, via London, without peeing even once. So for me, midnight trips to the bathroom are bluer than any line in a pregnancy test. I'm also hungry, thirsty and sleepy, which I recall as early signs from the first time around. And, since I started weaning my son (well, I took him down to one feeding a day), I can definitely feel that my bras are tighter. I'm starting to get happier. It's too soon for me to put a pregnancy ticker, or something like that, but Spring is definitely the right time to have babies in Chicago. We'll see. Meanwhile, thank you for the good wishes and all the jumping, my good friend.

Oooops, I did it again...

I can't believe I'm quoting Britney Spears in the title, but I need something that makes me laugh to lighten up. For the third time in six months, I got a positive pregnancy test today. I get them earlier each time. I already went to the doctor's office to have my blood drawn, and I hope to get some results tomorrow. I was surprised by my reaction to the test. The last two times I literally jumped all around the house, and screamed in delight. This time I just.... cried. That is how scared I am. I just want things to go smoothly, and to be able to be happy so I have another happy baby. I spent my whole first pregnancy laughing. And little L is one of the happiest toddler I know. He laughs all the time. It may have nothing to do with my mood during pregnancy, but just in case, I would like it to be as similar as possible. I wish I could go to sleep for about three months, and wake up with a round belly. Not happening either, is it?

Here we go, yet once again

Under my OB's advice, we are trying again. This soon. No waiting whatsoever, which freaks me out a little bit. Not that I expect things to be better. Apparently, and according to temperatures and OPK, I ovulated on Monday. Five out of five hits gives us a pretty good chance to get pregnant. On Monday I have to go to the doc's office to get my blood drawn, they'll check my progesterone and decide whether to supplement or not. It's a waiting game. And all through it,I'll keep my legs cross. Just in case.

Note to OFF

On a very ironic turn of events, one of my best friend's baby shower was today. And I had to attend. It was kind of formal. I thought I would get away with it, but I also had to open presents with her. She knew, but her mother in law didn't, and she insisted. I held on for three hours and a half, but I sort of crashed after that and ended up crying in the restroom. I guess I end up crying every time I see the blood coming out of me. Showering this morning was a nightmare. I didn't remember, but my sister and a friend from Europe reminded me that today is Santa Ana, my onomastic (I don't even know if that word exists in English). Funny, isn't it? Although it's not.

OFF

That's how my body is. Or at least it looks like it. Something doesn't work in there. Something is broken. I don't think it was broken from the beginning, it got broke on my way here. Which is why I want a VBAC, so they don't break anything else. But in order to have a VBAC I need to be pregnant first. And I don't think I am anymore. Yesterday I started having cramps and bleeding. I went to the ER. My official name now is "gravitas 3, 1 live birth". It's not their fault I overheard it. It sounds like a bad soccer game you loose. They are not sure yet I'm miscarrying, my cervix was apparently closed, but the blood doesn't look good. There was still some hCG, but they couldn't tell for sure. I have to try to get an appointment for tomorrow and have more blood work done and a proper ultrasound. It's pretty awful. I feel bad. My whole body aches. And although I try to keep some hope and send some strength to the potential baby, I know that my breasts have softened, as has my belly. And I feel like a big piece of crap. And I want to grab a bottle of whiskey and a box of cigarrettes, and sit outside looking to the moon and asking her: WHY?

Another rayita, another hope

After two negative pregnancy tests last week, I got a positive one today. Clear and loud, a dark blue line. I never got a line that blue. Even if I don't want to be too happy, or too hopeful, or my usual optimistic, I can't avoid to be elated. I jumped, I screamed, I laughed. I have an appointment at my OB's office to have blood work done to confirm it. After that, I'll write a proper post, and maybe even a ticker.

Nope

Not this time. I got my period some days ago. Or what I think it´s my period, but it resembles my miscarriage more than anything else I´ve seen before... Since I´m in the countryside in Spain, I didn´t have a chance to take a pregnancy test, so there is no way to know. It may be better, because I want to start trying as soon as I can, which is as soon as I meet my husband after three weeks apart... I have my hopes on the summer. And since I´ll have a full house as soon as I get back to Chicago, I won´t have time to think too much about it. I´m sure that will help. In the meanwhile, I keep charting, but I have crzay cycles, and my OB doesn´t seem to care about that. I may have to change OB´s again. :(

Hmmmm

I´m humming. And trying not to think. My cycles are crazy. Supposedly we entirely missed this month´s ovulation if it even happens, since we are in different countries. Nothing in my charts indicates anything about it. But I peed eight times today. What may seem normal. But I am known to be able to fly from Chicago to Madrid without using the restroom even once. With a stopover in London. I mean, I usually go ten hours without peeing. And suddenly, today, I was peeing every two hours. And there is no green tea in this house. It probably means nothing, and I don´t even have pregnancy tests at home here. I am not even sure of where to get one in Spain. Maybe I´ll try a pharmacy, just in case... It would be a sweet surprise. But I don´t want hopes of any kind. The first time around it sort of happened this way, when it was supposedly impossible to happen. And there he is, already two and thriving.
I haven´t blogged much since the miscarriage, but activity in the reproductory department has been pretty much non existent.
I´ll keep humming...

New cycle, one month to go

My first period after the miscarriage started today. Not a particularly happy day, I'm kind of emotional. The fact that I have a cold doesn't help. But I'm teary, and a little sad. I guess that, in a way, reality kicked in. The good part is that we only have one month to go before we try again. I can't wait. And at the same time it scares me to death. Today I told about it to some of the girls in a VBAC support group I belong to. Surprisingly, I got a bunch of particularly understanding responses from some of them. Apparently it's way more common than anyone thinks. I should know, my mom and my sister have been through this before. But yet no one talks about it. That should change. Let's take some drama out of something very dramatic. I'm just glad I have this amazing group of extra strong women to count on.
Note to myself: don't ask people when they are going to have the next baby, or the first baby, or any kind of baby. You don't know what's going on on their reproductive lives. I got asked twice today when I'm having the next one. Not a question I want to hear right now. But, how would they know, if we just don't talk about it?
I guess that so far this blog is being more about the journey than about the VBAC. I hope the journey takes me there someday.

April

I have been out for a while, I didn't feel like writing. I'm still not sure I have something to say, but sooner or later I have to go back to this blog. April is a new month, and I'll take advantage of that. I'm feeling fine now, totally recovered physically, although we have been told to wait two cycles before we try again. Mentally, I cried for three days like crazy, I allowed myself to have two self pity weeks, and I have been fine for a week. A friend took me to her place in Michigan, and it was a very healing experience. I lost my baby. It was already my baby, and he or she will never come back. Ese bebé no va a ser. I may have another baby in the future, but I have come to terms with the fact that I lost this one, and there is no one to blame, it's not my fault. My therapist is confident that I'm doing fine for good, although it scares me a little bit to be doing good. But, what do I gain if I sit down to feel sorry for myself? Nada. Nothing. I have a toddler to take care of, and a life to go back to. I may still be sad sometimes, but I have to be strong, because this was not the end of the journey. It was the end of a stage. I wish it never happened, I wish it wouldn't happen to anyone. But it does. And it's even kind of common. But no one talks about it, and that makes it worse. Because there is nothing to feel embarrassed about. There is nothing to hide. So I have decided to talk about it. Openly. It's healing. It helps.
Having news of other babies being born gives me hope. Last week my friend R became a father. Today I read about another new baby. I'm all in for happy news.

Short

The rayita is gone. I had a miscarriage yesterday, and it feels awful. I spent my morning crying, then trying not to cry at the doctors office, and then crying again. Then, when we went back home, we all had a three hour long nap. Sleeping part of it off was a good idea. I spent the rest of the day resting around, with Husband a baby L at home with me. Husband is also sad, it was a loss for the three of us. I know we only knew for a few days, but we were already making all kind of plans, and we were elated I was finally pregnant, after seven months of trying... They told me we can try again after my next period, and that's exactly what we plan to do. After a three day break I wen back to Fertility Friend. I knew it would be difficult, but the sooner the better. Now I'm battling with the idea of taking a shower, I hate to see all the blood, but I'll have to do it eventually, and my pain (the physical part of it) may even go away for a little bit. It feels weird, like a stronger period. Talking or writing about it also feels weird, but I have found that talking about it helps me. Most people don't, and I'm guessing that talking about it can help other people too. Part of the shock happens because we don't know enough about it. And there is nothing to be ashamed of, it's part of a process. A very, very sad part. I know I'll keep crying at times, but I'm trying to get better fast for Little L's sake. Going back to normal may help. It was a short patch of hope and happiness, and now we need to mourn it for a little while.

Rayita confirmed!

I went to the doctor today and they confirmed the pregnancy! I still have to wait for the result of the thyroid and progesterone tests, but things look good. I have the next appointment and first ultrasound in three weeks. They will tell me then my "exact" due date, but according to Fertility Friend, my charting site, it will be in mid November, just around my birthday. I still have many months to plan my VBAC, and decide whether I trust my doctor. One of my worries now is that everyone around me is telling me (see Husband, therapist) is telling me to wean my little L, and I feel bad about it. We love it soooooo much... I have to make up my mind before Istart to show, or he will relate the weaning with the new baby.

Las rayitas

I took a pregnancy test yesterday. I thought I could see a little light blue vertical shadow... I called Husband, and he saw it, too. So I wasn't imagining it. I took another one this morning. It was still there, a little darker today. We don't want to get too happy until we see the doctor... Since I had an appointment for Tuesday to check the thyroid thing, I think I will keep it and see her then. I have been kind of tired and super thirsty the last week, the first symptoms I remember from my first pregnancy. But I also have abdominal pain, and I don't remember that. So, although I'm inclined to climb again to my pink cloud, I'm going to try to wait until we know everything is fine for sure. Meanwhile, I send positive energy ad love to the little seed... I have to admit I'm happy. And a little bit scared.

I'm mad...and that's not good.

I don't think it's going to happen this month either. I'm 11 DPO, and everything seems good, temps are up, and I'm supposed to test in a week. But after a couple of days of crazy energy, the kind that makes you empty your closets and drawers to organize and tidy everything, I'm suddenly in a very bad mood. I snap easily, and little L is making me crazy. I run out of patience in about two minutes. That's usually part of my PMS. I either cry or scream, usually one month of each, so I guess I have a sad ovary and an angry one. At least I ovulated, so it appears that things are working again. It may have been that my body was messed up by the horrible IUD removal. I'll write about that another day.

Still up

My temps haven't gone down. Whatever happens in the next ten days, it is good news because it means I probably ovulated. Which is good, after two months with no activity in that department. During the weekend I met with a friend who has been trying for a while too. It's refreshing and calming meeting with someone who talks the chart language, and is in the same wagon. I hope both of us get our wishes very soon. People around me are starting to get pregnant, which is a good sign: it was not the water. My friend S is 14 weeks along, and I'm very excited for her. She really wanted to have a baby.
I discovered today a very nice new baby/pregnancy store, Belly Bum. Here goes the link:
www.bellybumboutique.com
They have organic clothing, the best nursing bras I have tried on (they are German) and cloth diapers, and very cute diaper bags. They just opened ten days ago. Actually, they specialize in transition, the time between your pregnancy and your "I'm back to my old body" time. Which is like, ten years? It's a good idea, I still remember being in the hospital after my unexpected C-section with no clothes I could wear when I was to be discharged, and wearing Husband's shirts as breastfeeding gear. This is much nicer.

Temps are staying high... hopes are up...

So, apparently I really ovulated. 5 DPO, my temperature is still rising, and now I have a Early Pregnancy Predictor with a green 35 on it. It doesn't mean I have a 35% chance of being pregnant, just that it matches the signs in other women's charts. Complicated, I don't need to get the technical part, I'm happy with just the results. And if they make a colorful chart, all the better. It even looks pretty. But the wait until March 13th, when I'm supposed to test, is going to be excruciating. And considering the fact that when I was pregnant with L, the pregnancy tests kept coming back negative until week six of the pregnancy... I may even be up for a longer wait. I need to do something to take my attention from this. I'll go back to yoga next week. Or maybe swimming would be a better idea... Some kind of physical activity that takes my mind out of chart world... And I have decided that from next week on, I'm going to set aside some time of my week to research about VBAC. And to post whatever I found here. Ina May, there I go...

Maybe this month?

According to my chart, I ovulated on the 22nd, which means I'm on 3DPO. I don't want to get too happy, because last month the chart also told me at one point that I had ovulated and it changed its mind some days later... But the pattern looks more normal this month, so maybe... That doesn't mean that I'm getting pregnant, but at least my body would be doing what it is supposed to do, and would probably save me from taking medicines... I will still see the OB, at the end FF is just an Internet monitor and I don't want to fall for "google medicine". The funniest thing is that in case I'm pregnant, the due date would be six days from my birthday... I still have to decide if that would be good or not. At the end I was expecting a big party to console myself from the fact that I'm hitting 30... It could be interesting to spend it in labor... A VBAC would be a wonderful birthday gift.

Let's keep going...

My OB's assistant called, and they want to do blood work on me on the third day of my next cycle. They will check the thyroid thing, too. I don't think it's too good that I always talk to the assistants... I guess it is if that means that the doctor is attending a delivery herself without abandoning the poor laboring woman... But, how do I know that? Anyway, I'll go for my appointment at the beginning of March (or whenever my cycle starts), and we'll see what happens. My problem is that I don't really want to take anything that would increase my chances of conceiving twins. Not that I don't think they are adorable, but with my history of preeclampsia, that would mean almost guaranteed bed rest, and without any family being able to come, that would be a huge problem. I don't want to leave my toddler... Wishful thinking, anyway, because for any chance of twins I need to get pregnant first. I should be ovulating right now, but I don't feel it happening. I used to, but I think I'm controlling and charting everything so much that I have forgotten how to read my body.
I'm realizing that I am focusing on the conception part of my next pregnancy... and at some point I should talk a little about the VBAC part and how I'm preparing for it. I will. Soon.

Yet again...

I can keep charting as much as I want, and I can keep postponing that visit to my OB as well, but that's not going to change the fact that I'm not getting pregnant. I got my period again today, to my disappointment. My own fault, I know. I also went to take the medical examination for my Green Card process, and the doctor told me that my thyroid gland looked swollen. I had thyroid blood work done in the Fall because I wasn't feeling well, and everything came back fine, but there was nothing swollen back then. I want to think that it may be the reason why I'm not getting pregnant. I guess I'll have to call my OB on Monday and have it checked, just in case. I'm not ready to consider anything else at this point. Let's start the new chart. Sigh.

Fed up

I'm mad. At myself. A couple of days ago I took a random pregnancy test. Just because. Of course it was negative. But a little nausea and a little sleepiness were enough to trigger my hopes. Apparently, and according to my temperatures and my chart, I haven't ovulated yet. Neither I did last month. I can believe that, or blame it on the lack of opportunities. Or think that maybe I'm not ovulating because of some happy reason... But that's not happening, and I will be disappointed once again. Little L sees babies and his face lights up... So does mine. When I see his.

Bummer

The Three Wise Men, or Tres Reyes Magos, brought me, among many other things, my period. And this makes six months trying. I´ll give it two more cycles (a crazy, transatlantic one, and a proper one back home in Chicago) and then call my OB again. And the chart is not working, apparently. I´m a little sad, because I thought being in Spain would do the trick. But it didn´t really work. Although we tried. I hope it works soon. I have recovered hope, because after many negative reproductive news (everyone I know who is trying was either not getting pregnant or having miscarriages), my friend S is expecting. It´s still very early, but I have the feeling that it will go well. 2009 has to be the year. We all need it.

Charting

So far, charting is not going bad... Apparently we have a good chance this month, but I don´t want to get too happy, because I´m flying long haul, and that could make things difficult. Anyway, I can´t avoid being hopeful. The longer it takes, the more I want to be pregnant. Some says I have hesitations, unlike my husband. I´m afraid of not being able to pay as much attention as I do now to my baby, L, and of the pregnancy itself. I´m scared of the whole preeclampsia thing, you cannot be in bed rest with a toddler, can you? And I know I will have to fight battle after battle if I want to get a VBAC in a hospital setting, specially if it is the same hospital that forced me to so many interventions during my first labor. But I will stop the elucubration, since I´m not pregnant yet, at least not knowingly...