Miscarriage, 3rd edition

It started a couple of hours ago. We went to the Shangai Circus at Navy Pier with a friend and her daughter. The kids were having so much fun that for a minute I was able not to think about it. And then I started to feel the pain. It was like the other two times. I knew. Sure enough, I checked and there was the blood. We are back home now, I have my stash of gossip magazines, starting with my Spanish Hola, I have a blanket, but my bed has been taken by a two year old. I'll curl up in there when he goes to take his bath. I'm not hungry, or thirsty, or even tired. But I don't have any energy left. My head is about to explode. I'm sad beyond even my understanding.
Y mañana será otro día, and hopefully I will have some time to rest. But I have to start my quest for an answer, for a solution. I need to know why, and I need to know how to fix it. And if we can't fix it, I need to know that, too. I'm sure I'll have to go to the doctor tomorrow, and I will try to get an appointment with the best specialist in Chicago on RPL. She runs a clinic at the University of Chicago. That's a start. This is an end.

:(

Progesterone= 5
hCG= 49
My doctor finally called this morning with the news. Even if the hCG went up a bit it doesn't mean anything. She still thinks that I will miscarry on Monday or Tuesday. So, I'm basically waiting for the blood to come. Do you have any idea of how hard that is? It is almost unbearable. This morning, before I even heard from my OB, I had to get in bed because I had no energy left. I seriously couldn't move for about an hour. After that, my husband came, and I broke in tears, I cried as loud as I ever had.
My best friend in Chicago is in labor. I'm happy for her, no doubt about it. But going to see her tomorrow, and to meet her beloved baby, while I know I am miscarrying mine is going to be difficult. I had to attend he baby shower while I was having the last miscarriage. Nice timing. But I love her so much that I will go regardless. I'll eat up my tears, and let them out when I'm back home.
I presume this is going to have a very hard week. I start a new teaching job, I interview for another one, and we are going to move in fifteen days. Luckily all that will keep me busy. But I will also be exhausted. Emotionally drained. Even more than I am right now. The worse part is that I lack the energy to spend time with my beloved son. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves a better mom. One that's not broken. I just want my little sesame seed to stay. I'm doing my best to keep him comfortable in there for as long as he wants to stay. He is alive, and he is my baby. My very tiny little baby.

Waiting

And this wait is like a torture inflicted by a sadistic power... "Why?" You cannot help asking yourself. "Why me?" And that's a dangerous road. I would have crashed my car this morning, driving away from my doctors office. They drawn blood again, I hopefully will have the results by tomorrow. Thanks to that toddler who was sitting in the back of my car I kept driving through my tears instead of driving into the lake. I don't think I have ever felt this devastated. This unfulfilled. Little L is the only person that can make me smile right now. I only want his hugs. And his love will make me strong enough to stand this wait. This horrible wait.

And the doctor had bad news.

Progesterone= 9
hCG=44

Which means that hCG hasn't doubled. Which means that I am going to miscarriage sometime in the next couple of weeks. And this journey just keeps getting worse. I had my hopes up because my Fertility Friend chart looked wonderful. But nope, my doc said today. "I'm afraid I don't have good news". And at that very moment time stopped, and I started to cry. It was loud, very loud, so much that my toddler got scared, came to me, stroke my face and said : "Ya'ta, ya'ta" (translated from Spanish toddlerese: "Don't worry, it's over". Which is what I tell him when he gets hurt.
Then I went to the Internet. I have secondary recurrent pregnancy loss. At least, now it has a name. Next steps:
1. Primal screaming a little bit more
2. Calling my therapist. I need her big time.
3. Having more blood drawn tomorrow.
4. Talking to my OB on Saturday about the results.
5. Making an appointment at a clinic specialized in RPL at the University of Chicago
6. Waiting. An awful wait. At least this time I may have time to say goodbye.
I know I will keep a little bit of hope, hope for that infinitesimal chance of keeping this baby that my doctor didn't want me to believe in. But I can't help it.

No news is good news

Today I went to have my blood drawn again, since my OB wants to make sure everything is fine. And since I was already downtown, I decided to treat myself to a crepe at Food Life. It's not the best crepe in the world, but it is still a chocolate crepe. Pretty decadent on its own. I don't like sweets that much, but the mere thought of my probable future sugar deprivation makes me crave desserts. I had Gestational Diabetes the first time around, and it's likely to come back, no matter what I do. I was lucky to be able to control it through diet then. I just hope I'm lucky enough to be able to get to the GD part this time :)

:)

Progesterone= 16
hCG= 52.

As I said, so far so good. :) Temperature keeps rising.
My OB wants to test again tomorrow to see how the numbers are doing. But I feel pregnant. I am pregnant. :)

So far, so good

At least this time I may manage to get the test results from the doctor before anything happens... I'm waiting for her call right now, and she should have the hCG results, and hopefully the progesterone one too. But I feel pregnant. I woke up at 4:45 to pee. And, as I have stated before here, I'm able to fly from Madrid to Chicago, via London, without peeing even once. So for me, midnight trips to the bathroom are bluer than any line in a pregnancy test. I'm also hungry, thirsty and sleepy, which I recall as early signs from the first time around. And, since I started weaning my son (well, I took him down to one feeding a day), I can definitely feel that my bras are tighter. I'm starting to get happier. It's too soon for me to put a pregnancy ticker, or something like that, but Spring is definitely the right time to have babies in Chicago. We'll see. Meanwhile, thank you for the good wishes and all the jumping, my good friend.

Oooops, I did it again...

I can't believe I'm quoting Britney Spears in the title, but I need something that makes me laugh to lighten up. For the third time in six months, I got a positive pregnancy test today. I get them earlier each time. I already went to the doctor's office to have my blood drawn, and I hope to get some results tomorrow. I was surprised by my reaction to the test. The last two times I literally jumped all around the house, and screamed in delight. This time I just.... cried. That is how scared I am. I just want things to go smoothly, and to be able to be happy so I have another happy baby. I spent my whole first pregnancy laughing. And little L is one of the happiest toddler I know. He laughs all the time. It may have nothing to do with my mood during pregnancy, but just in case, I would like it to be as similar as possible. I wish I could go to sleep for about three months, and wake up with a round belly. Not happening either, is it?

Here we go, yet once again

Under my OB's advice, we are trying again. This soon. No waiting whatsoever, which freaks me out a little bit. Not that I expect things to be better. Apparently, and according to temperatures and OPK, I ovulated on Monday. Five out of five hits gives us a pretty good chance to get pregnant. On Monday I have to go to the doc's office to get my blood drawn, they'll check my progesterone and decide whether to supplement or not. It's a waiting game. And all through it,I'll keep my legs cross. Just in case.