Pre labor?

I have been a disastrous VBAC blogger. I haven't written at all during the pregnancy. I haven't had the time, either, because I have worked more during the last four months that during the rest of my life altogether. Seriously. There was not much to say, either. The pregnancy has been as uneventful as it could have been. Actually uneventful is my new favorite word. And other that attend one ICAN meeting and doing pre-natal yoga (I love Sweet Pea Studio), I have done nothing to get ready. i have tried to read Birthing from Within, but it may not be my book. I have hired a doula. Other than that, my instinct is telling me to do nothing but wait and let my organism handle things, to let it do its job and give my body all my confidence.

As Braxton Hicks started getting more regular on Saturday and Sunday, that's what I have been doing. I'm uncomfortable, but still working. There is not a part of my body that doesn't ache, so my favorite place is the shower. Being in bed is excruciating. I haven't slept properly in weeks. And my funny instinct is telling me that I want to be left alone. I want to hide in my corner, in my room, and do my things, my translations, my blogging, my waiting in my room, on my own. I'm not sure I even want my husband around. I feel like an animal being observed by everyone, all of them looking for signs that for me are precious and private. This business only belongs to my baby and me, Pablo and I are the ones who have to go through this together, and no one can help us. We have to be in sync, and work hard, both of us. I'm extremely weary of going to the hospital, so I'm trying to make it until tomorrow, when I have my appointment with my doctor. So far she has been wonderful and I trust her, but I don't trust anyone else. I absolutely feel like having this baby on my own, in my room. I won't, of course, because I forgot, as everyone does, the animal in me. I'm too biased to dare it. But until I'm really ready to push this baby out, I'm not going anywhere, I'm not talking about it (I'll write to strangers in the open wider web, though ;) ), I'm not doing everything but breath, and wave, and keep in touch with my baby.

End of rant.

Dream

Yesterday I dreamt with my baby boy. I was sitting in a rocking chair, holding him in my arms. He was a chubby beautiful baby, trying to steal my trail mix (that's the weird part). It was a calm and pretty dream. Which scares me, because the only dream i was able to remember during my first pregnancy was about a perfect birth, which of course didn't happen. I can just hope that the beautiful baby does. By now I have a round belly that moves at night. Everything is fine so far, other than terrible pubic bone pain which at this point would prevent me from giving birth since it gets so bad that I cannot open my legs. Dr H doesn't seem to care about it, or about anything else for that matter. She is not my perfect match, but I know she is my best chance for a VBAC. So far thats all I have done to achieve my goal. I started pre natal yoga at Sweet Pea Studio last week, and I loved the class. I hope it helps with birth. From now on i'm going to focus in getting in touch with myself.

I guess tomorrow there will be a new post, since I have the first glucose screening. I had gestational diabetes during my first pregnancy, so I'm a little anxious about this one. But I have to wait until tomorrow.

Clear... and clearly not.

It's been a long time, but baby is still in there, happily bouncing around. The pregnancy is being uneventful so far, other than the horrible round ligament pain I have been having for the last month. It's bad, and it's new, I didn't feel anything of the kind during my first pregnancy. It got so bad that one day three weeks ago I ended up in the ER just to make sure baby was fine. Of course I was seen by a twelve year old resident, which wasn't very reassuring. She also told us that baby was a girl. But of course she was twelve, and we were very surprised to find out this week during my twenty week ultrasound that it's actually a boy. I didn't have a preference, so I'm equally happy. At least we hadn't picked a name yet. Which is still the case. With our first, we knew even before i got pregnant that he would be named Lucas. But now we are totally lost. It's not that easy, because we want something short that is pronounced more or less the same in English and in Spanish. We have a short list, and hopefully we will have a pick in the next weeks.

Now that I have been assured that my baby by is fine, and that they didn't see any abnormalities during the ultrasound, it's time to start thinking about the birth itself. I have already booked a doula, and I will get several birthing books this week. I'm going to skip the birthing classes because they were a money waste the first time around. Instead i will start doing prenatal yoga after Christmas. I'm 19 w 5 d, so I think it' time to start thinking positively about that VBAC I want to have. No, I'm not being delusional, I'm being positive and instilling confidence in myself. Kick, kick. Baby agrees with me :)

14w, 2d

I finally feel officially pregnant. Until this week, I was seeing a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist who didn't do any prenatal testing, only ultrasounds to make sure that the baby was fine and where he/she is supposed to be. But on Tuesday I transferred to Dr H, who will be my OB and hopefully will deliver the baby. We are far from being out of the whole high risk loop due to the chromosomal traslocation and my previous preeclampsia. She is an MFM, and both she and her midwife are lovely, nice, caring, joyful women, who totally made me feel like I'm being taken care of. Which is something I haven't felt often in this country. Since they work at UIC I feel that my chances of a VBAC are better. They said that so far, there is nothing that indicates against a trial of labor. I am realistic, and they are encouraging, which should be a better mix than we had the first time around.
I have already contacted a doula, and I hope to meet her in the next couple of weeks so we can see whether we connect or not. If we do, I will be able to check something else off my list. Now I need to find prenatal yoga classes. I hate exercising, but I'm sure I will feel better if I do it, and my back will be in better shape.
I can tell that I am way happier than I have been in the last few weeks. I guess I was scared. I still am, and I will be until I have this baby in my arms. My next milestone is the 20 week level 2 ultrasound. After that, comes birth in my paranoid book. But I am enjoying it now, to such a point of relaxation that I fell asleep three times in the bus or train this week. That's not me. And that elates me.

12w 1d

Since I bought the first footsie this week I think I can already scream that I'm pregnant. Twelve weeks pregnant. And so far, everything appears to go well. Baby is fine, where h/she is supposed to be. And I have made it through the first trimester. The last four times we didn't even made it to half the first trimester, so this is huge. HUGE. We have probably had seven appointments with our doctor, and we are graduating from her next week, when we have our last appointment and another ultrasound. It would be the seventh, which in a way is scary, but in another reassuring. I am the weird mom who doesn't like ultrasounds, but when I get to see the baby moving around my womb I get some hours of peace.
I'm still terrified. Terrified of something happening to the baby, of the baby not being fine, of having another C-section. I'll start working on that in ten days, when I have my first appointment with doctor H, with whom I hope to give birth to my baby at UIC. She is the most likely to give me a fair shot to an unmedicated VBAC. I'm 28 weeks from that, which seems like a lot, but with all I have to do, I need to start to prepare soon. I need to read some books. I need to go back to therapy to prepare in case I have another C-section. I have to hire a doula. I have to find someone to take care of my son when I go to the hospital. My parents cannot come, so that's an issue. I have to try to get my body ready to birth, which is a challenge when you are a high risk mama. I have to work. I have to take care of my son, who is already three and a half.
That's my start up to do list. It will keep building up. Thankfully, being an Spaniard and living in a two bedroom prevents me from worrying about nurseries, and he/she being my second baby means that all the gear is already here.
I'm looking forward to Thursday. To see my baby again. I already feel his/her presence in my belly. I already had to start using maternity pant, my usual tight jeans don't cut it anymore. And I'm looking forward to keep posting. Hopefully, it will be a smooth ride with a happy ending. Anyway, I will share it with you.

New cycle, one month to go

My first period after the miscarriage started today. Not a particularly happy day, I'm kind of emotional. The fact that I have a cold doesn't help. But I'm teary, and a little sad. I guess that, in a way, reality kicked in. The good part is that we only have one month to go before we try again. I can't wait. And at the same time it scares me to death. Today I told about it to some of the girls in a VBAC support group I belong to. Surprisingly, I got a bunch of particularly understanding responses from some of them. Apparently it's way more common than anyone thinks. I should know, my mom and my sister have been through this before. But yet no one talks about it. That should change. Let's take some drama out of something very dramatic. I'm just glad I have this amazing group of extra strong women to count on.
Note to myself: don't ask people when they are going to have the next baby, or the first baby, or any kind of baby. You don't know what's going on on their reproductive lives. I got asked twice today when I'm having the next one. Not a question I want to hear right now. But, how would they know, if we just don't talk about it?
I guess that so far this blog is being more about the journey than about the VBAC. I hope the journey takes me there someday.

Temps are staying high... hopes are up...

So, apparently I really ovulated. 5 DPO, my temperature is still rising, and now I have a Early Pregnancy Predictor with a green 35 on it. It doesn't mean I have a 35% chance of being pregnant, just that it matches the signs in other women's charts. Complicated, I don't need to get the technical part, I'm happy with just the results. And if they make a colorful chart, all the better. It even looks pretty. But the wait until March 13th, when I'm supposed to test, is going to be excruciating. And considering the fact that when I was pregnant with L, the pregnancy tests kept coming back negative until week six of the pregnancy... I may even be up for a longer wait. I need to do something to take my attention from this. I'll go back to yoga next week. Or maybe swimming would be a better idea... Some kind of physical activity that takes my mind out of chart world... And I have decided that from next week on, I'm going to set aside some time of my week to research about VBAC. And to post whatever I found here. Ina May, there I go...

Maybe this month?

According to my chart, I ovulated on the 22nd, which means I'm on 3DPO. I don't want to get too happy, because last month the chart also told me at one point that I had ovulated and it changed its mind some days later... But the pattern looks more normal this month, so maybe... That doesn't mean that I'm getting pregnant, but at least my body would be doing what it is supposed to do, and would probably save me from taking medicines... I will still see the OB, at the end FF is just an Internet monitor and I don't want to fall for "google medicine". The funniest thing is that in case I'm pregnant, the due date would be six days from my birthday... I still have to decide if that would be good or not. At the end I was expecting a big party to console myself from the fact that I'm hitting 30... It could be interesting to spend it in labor... A VBAC would be a wonderful birthday gift.

Let's keep going...

My OB's assistant called, and they want to do blood work on me on the third day of my next cycle. They will check the thyroid thing, too. I don't think it's too good that I always talk to the assistants... I guess it is if that means that the doctor is attending a delivery herself without abandoning the poor laboring woman... But, how do I know that? Anyway, I'll go for my appointment at the beginning of March (or whenever my cycle starts), and we'll see what happens. My problem is that I don't really want to take anything that would increase my chances of conceiving twins. Not that I don't think they are adorable, but with my history of preeclampsia, that would mean almost guaranteed bed rest, and without any family being able to come, that would be a huge problem. I don't want to leave my toddler... Wishful thinking, anyway, because for any chance of twins I need to get pregnant first. I should be ovulating right now, but I don't feel it happening. I used to, but I think I'm controlling and charting everything so much that I have forgotten how to read my body.
I'm realizing that I am focusing on the conception part of my next pregnancy... and at some point I should talk a little about the VBAC part and how I'm preparing for it. I will. Soon.

Charting

So far, charting is not going bad... Apparently we have a good chance this month, but I don´t want to get too happy, because I´m flying long haul, and that could make things difficult. Anyway, I can´t avoid being hopeful. The longer it takes, the more I want to be pregnant. Some says I have hesitations, unlike my husband. I´m afraid of not being able to pay as much attention as I do now to my baby, L, and of the pregnancy itself. I´m scared of the whole preeclampsia thing, you cannot be in bed rest with a toddler, can you? And I know I will have to fight battle after battle if I want to get a VBAC in a hospital setting, specially if it is the same hospital that forced me to so many interventions during my first labor. But I will stop the elucubration, since I´m not pregnant yet, at least not knowingly...

A dream

It's not that common for me to remember what I dream, but this morning I had a very clear memory of it. In my dream, I had a VBAC. I didn't remember anything of the delivery itself, but I was in a hospital room, holding my baby after a smooth delivery. It was a feel good dream, but a little bit scary too, because a couple of weeks before L was born I also dreamed that I had a smooth natural delivery, and it didn't happen. It was just a dream, but it's funny that I had it on my birthday.

Para empezar...

After five months trying, last week I decided to try a scar tissue massage to see if we could get things going. I won't know if it worked or not for a few weeks, but Joe, the massage therapist, suggested that I should start writing a journal. I will probably try an old fashion version as well, but I thought that a blog version could work too, and maybe, someday, help other moms. The last months of my first pregnancy were very difficult, and I had a horrible delivery experience, which ended in a C-Section. Maybe one day I will tell that story here. Not today. I have spent the last year an a half educating myself about VBAC, going to ICAN meetings, and trying to heal from my wounds, which were deep enough for me to need therapy. Thanks to that, my husband, and beautiful Baby L, I'm more than ready to start the journey again. But this time it will be different. I won't be naive anymore. I will know a little bit more than the last time. I will be scared, and probably not in my little pink cloud, but I decided Sunday that there are different kinds of clouds, and maybe I can pick another color. My OB (carefully picked after interviewing a bunch of providers) told me to expect a worst case scenario. I have decided I won't. If I do, I won't get pregnant, which is the first step towards a VBAC. As is not taking your doctor's orders as if she is some kind of god. She is not.