:(

How something as routine and silly as flushing the toilet can become so difficult and painful? I started bleeding yesterday, and every single time I go to the bathroom I cannot avoid thinking that somewhere in tbe blood I'm flushin away is my baby, and I am letting him go like waste. 

That may be one of the hardest things about early miscarriage, that you can only say goodbye to a gush of blood. I may have just been five weeks pregnant, but I already loved this baby, who was wanted and waited for. 

I'm in pain, and look terrible, but the damage is to my soul, not to my body. Is my heart what will need some patches. And even if I have another baby, I won't forget this one, or the previous four I lost. I will try again, soon.

Why?

Why do I get excited when I see a positive pregnancy test? Because I can't help it, I guess, although for the fifth time I am proven wrong. I just found out that I'm going to have my fifth miscarriage in the next ten days. Like that, on the phone. It is early, four weeks or so. But it hurts the same. They call it a chemical pregnancy. I call it losing a baby. And I cry. I hold my belly, as if I could keep the baby in there. And as much as I feel like smoking a cigarette, I won't, because I don't want to hurt my baby who won't be. And I wonder, once again, why? They don't know. And in general, the medical community doesn't care enough to try to figure out why. It is not going to bring them any money. And still, it affects so many women. It is nature, I get it. But still... Why? I want to know. Because I will try again. Soon. Nature 5-Me 2.