Why?

Why do I get excited when I see a positive pregnancy test? Because I can't help it, I guess, although for the fifth time I am proven wrong. I just found out that I'm going to have my fifth miscarriage in the next ten days. Like that, on the phone. It is early, four weeks or so. But it hurts the same. They call it a chemical pregnancy. I call it losing a baby. And I cry. I hold my belly, as if I could keep the baby in there. And as much as I feel like smoking a cigarette, I won't, because I don't want to hurt my baby who won't be. And I wonder, once again, why? They don't know. And in general, the medical community doesn't care enough to try to figure out why. It is not going to bring them any money. And still, it affects so many women. It is nature, I get it. But still... Why? I want to know. Because I will try again. Soon. Nature 5-Me 2.