Note to OFF

On a very ironic turn of events, one of my best friend's baby shower was today. And I had to attend. It was kind of formal. I thought I would get away with it, but I also had to open presents with her. She knew, but her mother in law didn't, and she insisted. I held on for three hours and a half, but I sort of crashed after that and ended up crying in the restroom. I guess I end up crying every time I see the blood coming out of me. Showering this morning was a nightmare. I didn't remember, but my sister and a friend from Europe reminded me that today is Santa Ana, my onomastic (I don't even know if that word exists in English). Funny, isn't it? Although it's not.

OFF

That's how my body is. Or at least it looks like it. Something doesn't work in there. Something is broken. I don't think it was broken from the beginning, it got broke on my way here. Which is why I want a VBAC, so they don't break anything else. But in order to have a VBAC I need to be pregnant first. And I don't think I am anymore. Yesterday I started having cramps and bleeding. I went to the ER. My official name now is "gravitas 3, 1 live birth". It's not their fault I overheard it. It sounds like a bad soccer game you loose. They are not sure yet I'm miscarrying, my cervix was apparently closed, but the blood doesn't look good. There was still some hCG, but they couldn't tell for sure. I have to try to get an appointment for tomorrow and have more blood work done and a proper ultrasound. It's pretty awful. I feel bad. My whole body aches. And although I try to keep some hope and send some strength to the potential baby, I know that my breasts have softened, as has my belly. And I feel like a big piece of crap. And I want to grab a bottle of whiskey and a box of cigarrettes, and sit outside looking to the moon and asking her: WHY?

Another rayita, another hope

After two negative pregnancy tests last week, I got a positive one today. Clear and loud, a dark blue line. I never got a line that blue. Even if I don't want to be too happy, or too hopeful, or my usual optimistic, I can't avoid to be elated. I jumped, I screamed, I laughed. I have an appointment at my OB's office to have blood work done to confirm it. After that, I'll write a proper post, and maybe even a ticker.