We have a plan

I finally got to see the fancy specialist at University of Chicago, Dr Stephenson, on Thursday. She was personable, respectful, and kind. And very very very proactive, which is all I want now. The first thing that called her attention is my thyroid. She didn't like the fact that has been at 3.5 for a while. I didn't like it either, but my regular OB didn't care about it. That on its own could have caused the miscarriages. But, to be sure, she took 16 vials of my blood (yes, sixteen, and I hadn't even had breakfast, so imagine...) and she is going to test for various things. She also wants to do a hysteroscopy and a biopsy of my uterine lining. That will happen between 9 and 11 days after my next LH surge. I haven't even had my period yet, so I guess it will be at the end of October. It's a little invasive, and given my history with tachycardia she needs to give me some extra drugs to keep my heart at a safe rate. I hate that I cannot control when will it happen. And I have to do OPKs again. I'm cooking garbanzo beans tonight, and I will drink their broth. At least when I was young in Spain, we were told that that causes you period to come. I'm sure it was all the placebo effect, but I will try it anyway, it may work. Once they do the biopsy, the lining is sent to a lab in Yale, to be analyzed by the only guy in the States who does this kind of high tech test. And we'll go from there. She also told me that I have to quit smoking (I know, and I did quit before trying the three times), but since she said I need to be clear of nicotine for one month before trying, and that is not going to happen in the next two months, I think I will give myself an extension. I'm rather anxious, and a cigarette a day helps cope with that. Plus, I am back (sort of) in the club scene, so I will take it easy for some weeks.
I hate having to wait so long. I want a baby, and I want that baby now. As I said before, I want to go to sleep and wake up nine months later with a baby on my pillow.
I liked the doctor because she was the first one to pay any attention to my Fertility Friend charts, that I have been retrieving for a year. I liked her because she actually paid attention to me. She even asked what was my theory about what's going on, and she seemed to agree with me, or at least take my gut feelings into account. And considering that these are matters of the gut, I find that very important. I felt respected. I felt understood. She didn't try to minimize my losses. She didn't say, "It's fine". Because it's not. And she knows it. Now I know hope.

Update

I have my first appointment with Dr S on September 24th. They are fully booked until then. I don't know if that means that they are good or that uteruses are evolving to a less functional stage. At least we are moving. Slowly. But I feel more active than before. I'm still devastated, but I'm coming to terms with what has happened. My abdomen hurts, my back hurts, my whole body hurts, but none of those pains is comparable to the one my heart bears. I have lost three babies. And my biggest fear now is that I may forget about the one who is sleeping in his crib right now. That I make him feel like he is not enough. I hope I am able to avoid that. Because I only want for him o have someone to play with, someone with whom he can share his experiences, his life. All those laughs and giggles, all that love that he is generous enough to share with us. He is the love of my live. I just want a little polygamy.

:(:(:(:(

Yesterday I woke up at 5 a.m. with pretty bad cramping... Of course I couldn't go back to sleep. I went to the doctor, and they made me wait one hour and a half in a waiting room full of pregnant, very pregnant ladies. It wasn't my OB's fault, it was her silly staff. She didn't check me, or anything, she just referred me to the University of Chicago clinic. I have been trying to get an appointment since yesterday, with no luck so far. I war daring enough to ask her if this ruins my chances of having a VBAC with her. To my surprise she didn't lecture me about my priorities, she just said that she would jump if she gets to deliver my baby. Then she hugged me. It's a tiny gesture, but my grief been acknowledged is huge on itself. And she is the only person who doesn't give me any crap. She knows I may never have kids again, so she didn't say anything of t he likes of "Don't worry, everything is going to be fine". Because she doesn't know if that's true. And I appreciate honesty. I wasn't able to sleep until 2 a.m., I cooked a pot of chicken noodle soup I wasn't able to try, since I'm not hungry at all, and for some reason my whole body aches today.
Life goes on, just not inside of me. Outside, I have to go to my therapist today (it will help, I'm sure), and I have to meet my new supervisor, since I'm going back to work next week. Well, I know her, but I haven't seen her in five years. Best day to meet her.