No again

I´m not pregnant. Not yet. I got my period the same day I had to fly to Spain with my toddler on tow. Sweet. I´m kind of upset, starting to think this is not going to happen, and the more I worry, the less likely to get pregnant, I´m afraid. It´s starting to be hard. I´m charting now, as my doctor recommended. She wants to run some tests if I´m not pregnant by January. Sounds good to me. Not like I have a big shot this month, since E and I are going to be together only for ten days. But you only need one time...

First negative peestick of the month

Since I'm leaving on Sunday for six weeks, and in case I'm pregnant I would like to see the doctor before I leave, I thought I had a good excuse to do a pregnancy test this morning, three days before my period is due. I didn't, I just wanted to see if I'm pregnant or not. Pretty silly from me, it was obviously negative. How wouldn't it be, considering that the first time around they kept coming back negative even when I was three weeks late? Oh, gosh. It will take a couple of weeks to know...

A's dream

My friend A wrote yesterday to tell me that she had dreamed that I was pregnant with a girl. As of today I don't know if I'm pregnant at all, but that's the second baby dream in a week. She has also been trying to get pregnant for some months. Apparently there is some kind of infertility cloud over here, because I know five ladies who are trying, but none has succeeded so far :(

Diary

I just faxed (actually my husband did) a diary my OB asked me to write for a few weeks. We are trying to find out what's going on, because for the last few months I have been having pain and very irregular cycles. I thought it may be due to a pretty traumatic (physically traumatic) removal of an IUD that my former lovely midwifes (I'll talk about them another day) improperly inserted. It was long and bloody, and I don't wish that kind of experience to anyone. They say it's not, but it's not like I trust doctors that much anymore. I'm trying to trust my current provider, but it's not that easy. Let's give them a chance and see how long does it take them to get back to me.

A dream

It's not that common for me to remember what I dream, but this morning I had a very clear memory of it. In my dream, I had a VBAC. I didn't remember anything of the delivery itself, but I was in a hospital room, holding my baby after a smooth delivery. It was a feel good dream, but a little bit scary too, because a couple of weeks before L was born I also dreamed that I had a smooth natural delivery, and it didn't happen. It was just a dream, but it's funny that I had it on my birthday.

Para empezar...

After five months trying, last week I decided to try a scar tissue massage to see if we could get things going. I won't know if it worked or not for a few weeks, but Joe, the massage therapist, suggested that I should start writing a journal. I will probably try an old fashion version as well, but I thought that a blog version could work too, and maybe, someday, help other moms. The last months of my first pregnancy were very difficult, and I had a horrible delivery experience, which ended in a C-Section. Maybe one day I will tell that story here. Not today. I have spent the last year an a half educating myself about VBAC, going to ICAN meetings, and trying to heal from my wounds, which were deep enough for me to need therapy. Thanks to that, my husband, and beautiful Baby L, I'm more than ready to start the journey again. But this time it will be different. I won't be naive anymore. I will know a little bit more than the last time. I will be scared, and probably not in my little pink cloud, but I decided Sunday that there are different kinds of clouds, and maybe I can pick another color. My OB (carefully picked after interviewing a bunch of providers) told me to expect a worst case scenario. I have decided I won't. If I do, I won't get pregnant, which is the first step towards a VBAC. As is not taking your doctor's orders as if she is some kind of god. She is not.