Numb

I'm not smoking. I'm not drinking alcohol. I'm not drinking coffee or tea, unless it's decaffeinated. I don't polish my nails. I don't take sugar substitutes. I'm not eating junk food. I'm not stressing. I'm not having sex. I'm not being defeated. But still, my numbers on Friday were:
hCG: 38
Progesterone: 8
That's bad. Very bad. I haven't started experiencing any symptoms yet, but that means that I am going to have my fourth miscarriage in less than one year. That means that all the temperature taking, all the pills (vitamins, progesterone, levothyroxine). all the OPKs are worth nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because at the end of the day, I probably won't have a baby. I still say probably because the nurse didn't dare say yay or nay (I quote her literally). And I don't want to shed that little last drop of hope. But that's the optimist in me. The realistic, rational Ana knows that this is done. Now what? I don't know.
I have heard all types of consolations. I have friends who tell me not to worry, that it will work next time (which I also heard the first, second and third time). I have friends trying to convince me that an only child is the best thing that can happen to you. I have friends trying to convince me to go the IVF/ embryo selection road. I have friends telling me to stop trying altogether. I have friends who don't know what to say. And I have a couple of friends who totally get it. Because they have been in place very similar to the one I am in now. I guess the good part is that I have lots of friends. The bad one is that none of them will become my baby.
I am very thankful of U2 for writing the song that gave me the title for this post, included in their album Zooropa. It makes me feel a little better. Not too much, but at least a little.

One week

I feel weird, since it's been a long time since I knew for that long that I was pregnant without nothing bad happening. I'm still feeling fine. I checked all my Fertility Friend charts, and I have realized that my miscarriages happened on day 17 post ovulation. That's tomorrow. And other than seeing my therapist, I will sit very still, with my legs crossed, playing Legos with my son from the couch. He will lift them up for me, I'm sure.
And, for the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to walk the baby aisles at Target. And they didn't make me cry. I was able to look at bibs, little spoons, burping cloths and tiny clothes without shedding a tear. I was actually happy. I haven't told almost anyone yet. I told the ladies at ICAN on Sunday, and my two closest friends. We won't tell our families until I'm a few more weeks along, or until little L spills the news, which he almost did while in the phone with my mom yesterday.
Today I have the most difficult task yet. I have to tell my friend S, who has been sharing my infertility journey. I know for experience how hard it is to hear about pregnancies when you cannot have a baby. I know she will be happy for me, but also a little sad. If at least it gives her some hope, I will be fine.

Funny

I am still pregnant, which is weird, since the last three times I didn't know for long... I am feeling better, I didn't have any pain yesterday. I tried not to move around too much. I did stuff, like grading, comfortably sitting in my bed. The doctor hasn't said anything about resting, but I know that in Spain I would be put at least at partial rest, and I have noticed that the pain comes when I am very active. It seems wise to take it easy.
This morning I had a hilarious awakening. We had to tell our toddler that there is a baby in my tummy, since he is extremely active and has a thing for jumping onto my belly. He climbed into my bed this morning and told me: "Baby out, me in", while he tried to enter my tummy through my navel. It was extremely funny, since he is 32 months old, and rather big for his age. Daddy took his measurements and we decided he wouldn't fit, which seemed to convince him. i guess we will have more humorous moments as the pregnancy progresses. And I will keep posting them here.

Official +

I had blood work done today, and I'm officially pregnant. Not too pregnant, but it's early, so we wouldn't expect higher levels. hCG is at 14.9 (I love the accuracy). Progesterone is at 12. I have to go back in one week to have the test repeated, and have my thyroid checked again, so they can adjust my medication. I loved the fact that I am not being treated as an ignorant being who couldn't understand medical terms. I really appreciate having all the data to the point, and getting answers to any questions I may have. My cramps are getting better, which is reassuring, because they are not normal, as I found out today. But they are definitely gone when I am resting, so I may have to take it easy. I will, as much as I need to. I want this baby.
I agreed with my therapist that I would try to be in a state of cautious joy. I think I am achieving it, but I cannot avoid thinking of my pregnancy as my baby. And even though I know there are no ears yet, I talk to hr, and I whisper: 'Quédate, bebé, quédate", as in a ritual chant. I hope he or she does.

Still there...

Although I have an appointment tomorrow to have my blood drawn, I couldn't resist, and took another HPT this morning. The line was still there. I had a very busy morning, and now I am feeling some abdominal pain. Which is usually a bad sign. I'll wait until tomorrow.
On the blue line HPTs... I have to say that I still use them. When I was pregnant with Little L, I tried digital first. They kept coming negative. Then I tried the pink ones. They were still negative. And I finally tried the e.p.t. old fashioned ones... And of course, they worked. I was almost seven weeks pregnant by then. I know, I know, it was kind of late. But there he is, napping in the living room.
In any case, today was a happy day, because my good friend A gave birth to her beautiful daughter. Has the fact that you are now officially a mom kicked in yet? Happy thoughts from Chicago to NJ.

A shadow

Is a shadow a line? Does it count? Of course, I couldn't wait and I did a home pregnancy test this morning. And there was a little blue vertical shadow. Or so I thought. Although dear poor husband, whom I got out of bed at 7 to check it, said that he knew what I was talking about. Which, I guess, in sleepy husbandy means that he also saw it. If I understand well, a shadow would mean a slight presence on hCG. Which is a positive. Faint positive. Isn't it? Perfectly understandable, considering that I am 11 days post ovulation.
I called the office, and we are doing blood work on Friday. I will know for Friday afternoon. I don't have any symptoms, though. I'm just a little tired. And yes, my chin hair grew up. Which usually is a pretty good predictor. Chicago is covered in snow, the commute is nightmarish at best due to the CTA cuts (those are entitled to a whole post in my other blog), but I am walking around as happy as I can be. At least for today. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Weird dream

I don't usually remember my dreams, although I don't doubt that I have them, like everyone else. It gets worse as I age. When I was younger I was able to remember plenty of them, most pleasant, some unsettling. But nowadays, I could count with the fingers of a hand how many I remember in a year. But last night's was so vivid that it woke me up. I was at a doctor's office. The doctor was young and blond, she looked nice. She was going to perform some kind of medical procedure or test, gynecological, of course. For some reason she couldn't find a bed or stretcher in her facility, so we mysteriously transferred to a private facility, much nicer. I remember asking her what would happen if I were pregnant. She then infused my vagina with a liquid that soon settled, becoming solid. Somehow, through this material, she was able to tell if there was a heartbeat way before home pregnancy test can come back positive. Of course, she said I was pregnant, but that she was going to proceed with whatever she was going to do, no matter what. I remember some struggling, and then I woke up, startled to say the least.
Didn't I say it was weird? And no, just because a dream said so I don;t think I am pregnant. It could be, but it is too soon to know. And I am actually having pretty bad abdominal pain as I write. It could be implantation pain, but most likely it's due to the progesterone, since I remember something similar from last month. But, my it be a way for my organism to tell me that I shouldn't feel pushed by a doctor to try experimental things? I may call Dr. S tomorrow to ask about the pain. And I will try not to think too much about the dream. Or the hopes.

After the hiatus

It's been a while since I last posted, but I didn't have any news of any kind. This is the first cycle we are really trying, and the OPK gave me positive reading on Friday. If we don't get pregnant this month, it will not be because we didn't try. So, now that I am done with the OPKs for at least fifteen days, I have to start the progesterone tomorrow. and I hate the thing. I forget it. I don't like popping orange little balls in my vagina. They turn all my underwear orange. They make my stomach upset, and give me gas problems way worse than the ones I had during my pregnancy. But I guess I have to keep doing it. I am not ready to lose another baby. This time it has to be ok.
Meanwhile, we are planning a trip to Mexico. In March. Supposedly I cannot travel until the fifteenth week, but I don't really care. I will ask. If it increases my chance of miscarrying, I will not go. But if they are just scared of me having any trouble in a foreign country without fancy American hospitals, I'm going. After all, I don't think I could be treated worse than I have been here until I found Dr S. And after a loooooong year, I really need a break. A palm tree. That's all I am asking for.
We'll see. About everything. Now to the "I think I have all kinds of pregnancy symptoms". I will test in ten days. Hopefully then, I will have a happy post.