Mad

I am actually beyond mad. I just realized, that if my cycles do whatever FF expects them to do, my next tiny window for the hysteroscopy is... Thanksgiving!?F*&%# And the next one... Christmas!?@#%$&^**^( You can guess the rest. I went again on Wednesday to have my blood drawn for chromosomal testing. My arm is still sore and tender. And I couldn't even get the flu shot. Not that I want to, I would actually skip it altogether, and I won't get Little L one, but Dr S said it was not open to discussion. I told her I will get it if I can get before I'm pregnant, but that I won't, for anything, get it afterwards.
I had a revealing experience this weekend. I attended a workshop about Spanish feminine short stories, and while analyzing the texts I realized how much my life is focused on infertility right now. I see it everywhere. The funny thing was that my obsession led the well known author who was leading the workshop to talk to me at the end, and I managed to buy her lunch the day after, only to discover that she has also dealt with this kind of issues. Her advice? Stop it. Don't make yourself suffer anymore. Adopt. Not bad. At least she got me writing again, I think I have an idea for a short story book, and I already started. Let's see what happens. Of course, infertility is there. As it is everywhere else. I have nightmares. I have gained at least six pounds in the last three weeks. I'm anxious, all the time. I'm not smoking because I don't feel like it (weiiiiird). So I eat. All the time. Constantly. Salty, sweet, salty, sweet... It's disgusting. I want to stop. I had managed to lose some weight over the last months... Gaining it back in mere weeks doesn't seem like a good idea. I guess I need my therapist. A lot. Or a baby. But that will not happen in at least a couple of months. Sigh.

Let's keep going...

My OB's assistant called, and they want to do blood work on me on the third day of my next cycle. They will check the thyroid thing, too. I don't think it's too good that I always talk to the assistants... I guess it is if that means that the doctor is attending a delivery herself without abandoning the poor laboring woman... But, how do I know that? Anyway, I'll go for my appointment at the beginning of March (or whenever my cycle starts), and we'll see what happens. My problem is that I don't really want to take anything that would increase my chances of conceiving twins. Not that I don't think they are adorable, but with my history of preeclampsia, that would mean almost guaranteed bed rest, and without any family being able to come, that would be a huge problem. I don't want to leave my toddler... Wishful thinking, anyway, because for any chance of twins I need to get pregnant first. I should be ovulating right now, but I don't feel it happening. I used to, but I think I'm controlling and charting everything so much that I have forgotten how to read my body.
I'm realizing that I am focusing on the conception part of my next pregnancy... and at some point I should talk a little about the VBAC part and how I'm preparing for it. I will. Soon.