April

I have been out for a while, I didn't feel like writing. I'm still not sure I have something to say, but sooner or later I have to go back to this blog. April is a new month, and I'll take advantage of that. I'm feeling fine now, totally recovered physically, although we have been told to wait two cycles before we try again. Mentally, I cried for three days like crazy, I allowed myself to have two self pity weeks, and I have been fine for a week. A friend took me to her place in Michigan, and it was a very healing experience. I lost my baby. It was already my baby, and he or she will never come back. Ese bebé no va a ser. I may have another baby in the future, but I have come to terms with the fact that I lost this one, and there is no one to blame, it's not my fault. My therapist is confident that I'm doing fine for good, although it scares me a little bit to be doing good. But, what do I gain if I sit down to feel sorry for myself? Nada. Nothing. I have a toddler to take care of, and a life to go back to. I may still be sad sometimes, but I have to be strong, because this was not the end of the journey. It was the end of a stage. I wish it never happened, I wish it wouldn't happen to anyone. But it does. And it's even kind of common. But no one talks about it, and that makes it worse. Because there is nothing to feel embarrassed about. There is nothing to hide. So I have decided to talk about it. Openly. It's healing. It helps.
Having news of other babies being born gives me hope. Last week my friend R became a father. Today I read about another new baby. I'm all in for happy news.