:(

How something as routine and silly as flushing the toilet can become so difficult and painful? I started bleeding yesterday, and every single time I go to the bathroom I cannot avoid thinking that somewhere in tbe blood I'm flushin away is my baby, and I am letting him go like waste. 

That may be one of the hardest things about early miscarriage, that you can only say goodbye to a gush of blood. I may have just been five weeks pregnant, but I already loved this baby, who was wanted and waited for. 

I'm in pain, and look terrible, but the damage is to my soul, not to my body. Is my heart what will need some patches. And even if I have another baby, I won't forget this one, or the previous four I lost. I will try again, soon.

Why?

Why do I get excited when I see a positive pregnancy test? Because I can't help it, I guess, although for the fifth time I am proven wrong. I just found out that I'm going to have my fifth miscarriage in the next ten days. Like that, on the phone. It is early, four weeks or so. But it hurts the same. They call it a chemical pregnancy. I call it losing a baby. And I cry. I hold my belly, as if I could keep the baby in there. And as much as I feel like smoking a cigarette, I won't, because I don't want to hurt my baby who won't be. And I wonder, once again, why? They don't know. And in general, the medical community doesn't care enough to try to figure out why. It is not going to bring them any money. And still, it affects so many women. It is nature, I get it. But still... Why? I want to know. Because I will try again. Soon. Nature 5-Me 2. 

I thought my journey ended the day little Pb was born. I had my VBAC, and it was the most healing experience I have ever had. It took care of all the things that had been making me unhappy for three years. On top of that I have a gorgeous wonderful lovable baby. But we may have to start a whole new journey. Yesterday we learned that Pb may have hearing loss. We don't know more for now, we have a appointment with an audiologist on Friday. But yesterday he failed an audition test we did at his doctor's office. And I have been thinking he doesn't hear for weeks. So we start a new chapter. I hope they tell us the machine was broken and he hears perfectly. But the truth is that he is 8 months old today, he doesn't babble, he doesn't respond to his name and he doesn't turn around to loud sounds. We'll see. But it may be time to start a whole new blog. I have been looking around and I didn't find any regarding hearing loss in kids. For now, I'll write here. It's going to be a loooooong three days.
Please, Santa, bring me good hearing for my baby.

I got it!

I got my VBAC. Ten days ago, April 20, two days shy of Not So Little L's birthday, I gave birth to a healthy 9lb 11oz (4.4 kgs) and 20.5 inches long (52 cms) baby boy. And being able to say "gave birth" feels so good that I would do it again tomorrow. Did I get the birth I wanted? Not exactly. But the only one who didn't respect my birth plan was me, so I guess it's fine. I'm all hormonal now, crying and laughing and wanting to go out but still not recovered. Because that was a big baby, and on top of it he was acynclitic, so pushing him out took three hours, a lot of effort, and a second degree tear. But as I said, I wouldn't have it any other way.

So, there goes my story:

I'll start saying that our experience at UIC couldn't have been better. Everyone treated us with respect and care. Everyone read our birth plan it without us prompting them, and followed it.

On Sunday night I started having contractions, so we called our doula and went to the hospital. It was a false alarm, an although I was in pre labor I was sent home, and continued having on and off contractions for a couple of days. On Tuesday morning I had my appointment with my doctor, and since my blood pressure was high on Sunday she suggested an induction to avoid an emergency C-section in case my BP would go up again. After a little thought we decided to go for it. I have to admit that even though the idea of an induction scared me, I was easy prey, with L's birthday three days away.

We went to the hospital and started with a very low dose of pit at 3 pm Tuesday (it stayed pretty low, lower than 8 until the pushing stage). It was fine for the first few hours, but in the middle of the night the contractions started coming closer and being more painful, and at one point I decided to ask for an epidural. Both my husband and doula were great at helping me cope with the pain, and at trying to convince me not to get it, but I reached a point when I couldn't keep going without getting something for the pain. And although I was a little upset about it at the beginning, I made peace with my decision when I saw how big baby P was. After that I was able to rest, and by 2:30 pm of Wednesday I felt the urge to push, so we started. I was surprised to be as comfortable as I was with a resident managing the early stage of pushing, to the point that although my doctor came at the end I preferred the resident to catch the baby, since she did an amazing job of helping me push effectively, and massaging me trying to help the baby get out, since on top of being big he was asynclitic. After nearly three hours of pushing he came out, and I was able to hold him immediately, and kept him for a while. I was able to try to nurse him at that time, too. I had a second degree tear that is taking longer than I expected to heal, but it's also true that I wasn't able to rest the first few days.

We have been home for a few days, and we are still adjusting to life with two kids, but P is nursing like a champ and L is the best big brother we could have ever expected.

Once again, our doula was a big help with the birth, and everyone at UIC was great. I have read many times that residents are not supportive of VBACs, but that was not my experience at all. On their behalf I have to say that the two of them who assisted me were not only very supportive of it, but encouraging and even excited. On a different note, everyone was extremely proactive about breastfeeding: they offered constant help, didn't push too much about formula even though the baby was born with the sugar level on the lower side (resolved on its own), and didn't send me home with formula merchandising. Also I saw how they promoted breastfeeding among moms who weren't interested on it.

It was a great experience, and it gave me back my confidence. It made me feel like superwoman, even with the epidural thing. I'll try again next time. But for now, I just want to enjoy the baby in the cradle by my bed, the one who took three years to make. And I haven't forgotten the four who never will be born, although they will always be my babies. But this is a time to rejoice, not to cry, to care for my sons, to cuddle them, kiss them, pamper them. They are my world. And if i had any doubt during the pregnancy about being able to love them both the same, it went away as soon as they put on my breasts my little baby, still covered in blood and vernix, and I was able to kiss him, and cry, and immediately fall in love with him.

39w 5d

I can't believe I made it this far. Since little L came early I assumed this one would come early too. But here I am, two days short of my due date, and baby still seems happy in there. I have thought three times that I was in labor, with 1 minute long contraction every 4 minutes for more than an hour. The three times I managed to sleep and it went away. And now I'm eagerly waiting for it to happen. Luckily my doctor seems cool with waiting, she only wants me to go on Friday for a non stress fetal test. Which I presume will be fine since little P (I know, it sounds awful in English) moves quite a lot. In a perfect world I wouldn't make it until Friday. I'm a little bit anxious, because not so little L's birthday is coming up in exactly nine days and i want to be there with him. We'll see. But so far everything looks good, no one has mentioned the word C-section, baby is in good position to launch, and I feel so good that I went out with my friends yesterday night.

Hopefully, I will post a birth story very soon. I'm due.

Pre labor?

I have been a disastrous VBAC blogger. I haven't written at all during the pregnancy. I haven't had the time, either, because I have worked more during the last four months that during the rest of my life altogether. Seriously. There was not much to say, either. The pregnancy has been as uneventful as it could have been. Actually uneventful is my new favorite word. And other that attend one ICAN meeting and doing pre-natal yoga (I love Sweet Pea Studio), I have done nothing to get ready. i have tried to read Birthing from Within, but it may not be my book. I have hired a doula. Other than that, my instinct is telling me to do nothing but wait and let my organism handle things, to let it do its job and give my body all my confidence.

As Braxton Hicks started getting more regular on Saturday and Sunday, that's what I have been doing. I'm uncomfortable, but still working. There is not a part of my body that doesn't ache, so my favorite place is the shower. Being in bed is excruciating. I haven't slept properly in weeks. And my funny instinct is telling me that I want to be left alone. I want to hide in my corner, in my room, and do my things, my translations, my blogging, my waiting in my room, on my own. I'm not sure I even want my husband around. I feel like an animal being observed by everyone, all of them looking for signs that for me are precious and private. This business only belongs to my baby and me, Pablo and I are the ones who have to go through this together, and no one can help us. We have to be in sync, and work hard, both of us. I'm extremely weary of going to the hospital, so I'm trying to make it until tomorrow, when I have my appointment with my doctor. So far she has been wonderful and I trust her, but I don't trust anyone else. I absolutely feel like having this baby on my own, in my room. I won't, of course, because I forgot, as everyone does, the animal in me. I'm too biased to dare it. But until I'm really ready to push this baby out, I'm not going anywhere, I'm not talking about it (I'll write to strangers in the open wider web, though ;) ), I'm not doing everything but breath, and wave, and keep in touch with my baby.

End of rant.

Of dads

I just read this powerful birth story in CNN. It's an amazing one, specially considering that my husband doesn't even want to cut the cord, let alone catch the baby, which is what I would love him (or myself, for that matter) to do. It would be perfect if the first hands that touch him are ours, if our voices are the first sound he hears after coming out. But in these times of medical births, specially considering that I will give birth in the hospital, the most likely scenario is that my OB will catch him, and it will be her voice giving directions to the nurses the first one he hears. The focus won't be about him. It will be on getting a job done. I bothers me, but homebirth is not an option in our case. Unless baby has other plans, as the one in the story did.

Otherwise, the pregnancy is still as uneventful as it could be. Let's hope it stays that way, because I still have eight weeks to go, no crib or anything else prepared, and a ton of work to do.