Pre labor?

I have been a disastrous VBAC blogger. I haven't written at all during the pregnancy. I haven't had the time, either, because I have worked more during the last four months that during the rest of my life altogether. Seriously. There was not much to say, either. The pregnancy has been as uneventful as it could have been. Actually uneventful is my new favorite word. And other that attend one ICAN meeting and doing pre-natal yoga (I love Sweet Pea Studio), I have done nothing to get ready. i have tried to read Birthing from Within, but it may not be my book. I have hired a doula. Other than that, my instinct is telling me to do nothing but wait and let my organism handle things, to let it do its job and give my body all my confidence.

As Braxton Hicks started getting more regular on Saturday and Sunday, that's what I have been doing. I'm uncomfortable, but still working. There is not a part of my body that doesn't ache, so my favorite place is the shower. Being in bed is excruciating. I haven't slept properly in weeks. And my funny instinct is telling me that I want to be left alone. I want to hide in my corner, in my room, and do my things, my translations, my blogging, my waiting in my room, on my own. I'm not sure I even want my husband around. I feel like an animal being observed by everyone, all of them looking for signs that for me are precious and private. This business only belongs to my baby and me, Pablo and I are the ones who have to go through this together, and no one can help us. We have to be in sync, and work hard, both of us. I'm extremely weary of going to the hospital, so I'm trying to make it until tomorrow, when I have my appointment with my doctor. So far she has been wonderful and I trust her, but I don't trust anyone else. I absolutely feel like having this baby on my own, in my room. I won't, of course, because I forgot, as everyone does, the animal in me. I'm too biased to dare it. But until I'm really ready to push this baby out, I'm not going anywhere, I'm not talking about it (I'll write to strangers in the open wider web, though ;) ), I'm not doing everything but breath, and wave, and keep in touch with my baby.

End of rant.

Of dads

I just read this powerful birth story in CNN. It's an amazing one, specially considering that my husband doesn't even want to cut the cord, let alone catch the baby, which is what I would love him (or myself, for that matter) to do. It would be perfect if the first hands that touch him are ours, if our voices are the first sound he hears after coming out. But in these times of medical births, specially considering that I will give birth in the hospital, the most likely scenario is that my OB will catch him, and it will be her voice giving directions to the nurses the first one he hears. The focus won't be about him. It will be on getting a job done. I bothers me, but homebirth is not an option in our case. Unless baby has other plans, as the one in the story did.

Otherwise, the pregnancy is still as uneventful as it could be. Let's hope it stays that way, because I still have eight weeks to go, no crib or anything else prepared, and a ton of work to do.

And of course, at 30 weeks...

... we had our first trip to the ER. It was like deja vu. I've been here, I've done this. Four years ago, to be more exact. I thought i was out of the woods when four weeks ago they told me that I didn't have gestational diabetes. But for the last few days I had been having a pretty bad headache and today I decided to go to CVS to check my blood pressure. Sadly, IPhone doesn't have an app for that yet. Of course my BP was 145/105, which is pretty high. I called my doctor's emergency number, and they told me to go to the ER, which in UIC's case is labor and delivery. That's a very good thing, because you deal with people who know what they are doing, not with regular ER doctors with no expertise in OB/Gyn, which was my experience at Prentice. Everyone was extremely nice, they checked my BP and heart rate (which as is common in me was on the high side) for a couple of hours, and when they started believing that I'm really fine at 120 bpm they allowed me to go home, and take the 24 hour urine sample here. I had preeclampsia with my first pregnancy, and such samples were taken during a 24 hour hospital stay that made us crazy. We never understood why I needed to be admitted to pee on a jar. What I loved about UIC is that we didn't even have to ask for it. They thought about it on their own. Seeing first hand how low intervention they are is reassuring for me. It may not be the fanciest hospital in town, but I'm more certain every week that it is the best place to try for a VBAC.

The only down side about today is that they gave me a bag and a half of IV fluids, and now my legs could go straight to the elephant section in the zoo. IVs and me is not a good mix.

If I could just hope this is the last visit...

Dream

Yesterday I dreamt with my baby boy. I was sitting in a rocking chair, holding him in my arms. He was a chubby beautiful baby, trying to steal my trail mix (that's the weird part). It was a calm and pretty dream. Which scares me, because the only dream i was able to remember during my first pregnancy was about a perfect birth, which of course didn't happen. I can just hope that the beautiful baby does. By now I have a round belly that moves at night. Everything is fine so far, other than terrible pubic bone pain which at this point would prevent me from giving birth since it gets so bad that I cannot open my legs. Dr H doesn't seem to care about it, or about anything else for that matter. She is not my perfect match, but I know she is my best chance for a VBAC. So far thats all I have done to achieve my goal. I started pre natal yoga at Sweet Pea Studio last week, and I loved the class. I hope it helps with birth. From now on i'm going to focus in getting in touch with myself.

I guess tomorrow there will be a new post, since I have the first glucose screening. I had gestational diabetes during my first pregnancy, so I'm a little anxious about this one. But I have to wait until tomorrow.

Clear... and clearly not.

It's been a long time, but baby is still in there, happily bouncing around. The pregnancy is being uneventful so far, other than the horrible round ligament pain I have been having for the last month. It's bad, and it's new, I didn't feel anything of the kind during my first pregnancy. It got so bad that one day three weeks ago I ended up in the ER just to make sure baby was fine. Of course I was seen by a twelve year old resident, which wasn't very reassuring. She also told us that baby was a girl. But of course she was twelve, and we were very surprised to find out this week during my twenty week ultrasound that it's actually a boy. I didn't have a preference, so I'm equally happy. At least we hadn't picked a name yet. Which is still the case. With our first, we knew even before i got pregnant that he would be named Lucas. But now we are totally lost. It's not that easy, because we want something short that is pronounced more or less the same in English and in Spanish. We have a short list, and hopefully we will have a pick in the next weeks.

Now that I have been assured that my baby by is fine, and that they didn't see any abnormalities during the ultrasound, it's time to start thinking about the birth itself. I have already booked a doula, and I will get several birthing books this week. I'm going to skip the birthing classes because they were a money waste the first time around. Instead i will start doing prenatal yoga after Christmas. I'm 19 w 5 d, so I think it' time to start thinking positively about that VBAC I want to have. No, I'm not being delusional, I'm being positive and instilling confidence in myself. Kick, kick. Baby agrees with me :)

14w, 2d

I finally feel officially pregnant. Until this week, I was seeing a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist who didn't do any prenatal testing, only ultrasounds to make sure that the baby was fine and where he/she is supposed to be. But on Tuesday I transferred to Dr H, who will be my OB and hopefully will deliver the baby. We are far from being out of the whole high risk loop due to the chromosomal traslocation and my previous preeclampsia. She is an MFM, and both she and her midwife are lovely, nice, caring, joyful women, who totally made me feel like I'm being taken care of. Which is something I haven't felt often in this country. Since they work at UIC I feel that my chances of a VBAC are better. They said that so far, there is nothing that indicates against a trial of labor. I am realistic, and they are encouraging, which should be a better mix than we had the first time around.
I have already contacted a doula, and I hope to meet her in the next couple of weeks so we can see whether we connect or not. If we do, I will be able to check something else off my list. Now I need to find prenatal yoga classes. I hate exercising, but I'm sure I will feel better if I do it, and my back will be in better shape.
I can tell that I am way happier than I have been in the last few weeks. I guess I was scared. I still am, and I will be until I have this baby in my arms. My next milestone is the 20 week level 2 ultrasound. After that, comes birth in my paranoid book. But I am enjoying it now, to such a point of relaxation that I fell asleep three times in the bus or train this week. That's not me. And that elates me.

12w 1d

Since I bought the first footsie this week I think I can already scream that I'm pregnant. Twelve weeks pregnant. And so far, everything appears to go well. Baby is fine, where h/she is supposed to be. And I have made it through the first trimester. The last four times we didn't even made it to half the first trimester, so this is huge. HUGE. We have probably had seven appointments with our doctor, and we are graduating from her next week, when we have our last appointment and another ultrasound. It would be the seventh, which in a way is scary, but in another reassuring. I am the weird mom who doesn't like ultrasounds, but when I get to see the baby moving around my womb I get some hours of peace.
I'm still terrified. Terrified of something happening to the baby, of the baby not being fine, of having another C-section. I'll start working on that in ten days, when I have my first appointment with doctor H, with whom I hope to give birth to my baby at UIC. She is the most likely to give me a fair shot to an unmedicated VBAC. I'm 28 weeks from that, which seems like a lot, but with all I have to do, I need to start to prepare soon. I need to read some books. I need to go back to therapy to prepare in case I have another C-section. I have to hire a doula. I have to find someone to take care of my son when I go to the hospital. My parents cannot come, so that's an issue. I have to try to get my body ready to birth, which is a challenge when you are a high risk mama. I have to work. I have to take care of my son, who is already three and a half.
That's my start up to do list. It will keep building up. Thankfully, being an Spaniard and living in a two bedroom prevents me from worrying about nurseries, and he/she being my second baby means that all the gear is already here.
I'm looking forward to Thursday. To see my baby again. I already feel his/her presence in my belly. I already had to start using maternity pant, my usual tight jeans don't cut it anymore. And I'm looking forward to keep posting. Hopefully, it will be a smooth ride with a happy ending. Anyway, I will share it with you.