Dream

Yesterday I dreamt with my baby boy. I was sitting in a rocking chair, holding him in my arms. He was a chubby beautiful baby, trying to steal my trail mix (that's the weird part). It was a calm and pretty dream. Which scares me, because the only dream i was able to remember during my first pregnancy was about a perfect birth, which of course didn't happen. I can just hope that the beautiful baby does. By now I have a round belly that moves at night. Everything is fine so far, other than terrible pubic bone pain which at this point would prevent me from giving birth since it gets so bad that I cannot open my legs. Dr H doesn't seem to care about it, or about anything else for that matter. She is not my perfect match, but I know she is my best chance for a VBAC. So far thats all I have done to achieve my goal. I started pre natal yoga at Sweet Pea Studio last week, and I loved the class. I hope it helps with birth. From now on i'm going to focus in getting in touch with myself.

I guess tomorrow there will be a new post, since I have the first glucose screening. I had gestational diabetes during my first pregnancy, so I'm a little anxious about this one. But I have to wait until tomorrow.

Clear... and clearly not.

It's been a long time, but baby is still in there, happily bouncing around. The pregnancy is being uneventful so far, other than the horrible round ligament pain I have been having for the last month. It's bad, and it's new, I didn't feel anything of the kind during my first pregnancy. It got so bad that one day three weeks ago I ended up in the ER just to make sure baby was fine. Of course I was seen by a twelve year old resident, which wasn't very reassuring. She also told us that baby was a girl. But of course she was twelve, and we were very surprised to find out this week during my twenty week ultrasound that it's actually a boy. I didn't have a preference, so I'm equally happy. At least we hadn't picked a name yet. Which is still the case. With our first, we knew even before i got pregnant that he would be named Lucas. But now we are totally lost. It's not that easy, because we want something short that is pronounced more or less the same in English and in Spanish. We have a short list, and hopefully we will have a pick in the next weeks.

Now that I have been assured that my baby by is fine, and that they didn't see any abnormalities during the ultrasound, it's time to start thinking about the birth itself. I have already booked a doula, and I will get several birthing books this week. I'm going to skip the birthing classes because they were a money waste the first time around. Instead i will start doing prenatal yoga after Christmas. I'm 19 w 5 d, so I think it' time to start thinking positively about that VBAC I want to have. No, I'm not being delusional, I'm being positive and instilling confidence in myself. Kick, kick. Baby agrees with me :)

14w, 2d

I finally feel officially pregnant. Until this week, I was seeing a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist who didn't do any prenatal testing, only ultrasounds to make sure that the baby was fine and where he/she is supposed to be. But on Tuesday I transferred to Dr H, who will be my OB and hopefully will deliver the baby. We are far from being out of the whole high risk loop due to the chromosomal traslocation and my previous preeclampsia. She is an MFM, and both she and her midwife are lovely, nice, caring, joyful women, who totally made me feel like I'm being taken care of. Which is something I haven't felt often in this country. Since they work at UIC I feel that my chances of a VBAC are better. They said that so far, there is nothing that indicates against a trial of labor. I am realistic, and they are encouraging, which should be a better mix than we had the first time around.
I have already contacted a doula, and I hope to meet her in the next couple of weeks so we can see whether we connect or not. If we do, I will be able to check something else off my list. Now I need to find prenatal yoga classes. I hate exercising, but I'm sure I will feel better if I do it, and my back will be in better shape.
I can tell that I am way happier than I have been in the last few weeks. I guess I was scared. I still am, and I will be until I have this baby in my arms. My next milestone is the 20 week level 2 ultrasound. After that, comes birth in my paranoid book. But I am enjoying it now, to such a point of relaxation that I fell asleep three times in the bus or train this week. That's not me. And that elates me.

12w 1d

Since I bought the first footsie this week I think I can already scream that I'm pregnant. Twelve weeks pregnant. And so far, everything appears to go well. Baby is fine, where h/she is supposed to be. And I have made it through the first trimester. The last four times we didn't even made it to half the first trimester, so this is huge. HUGE. We have probably had seven appointments with our doctor, and we are graduating from her next week, when we have our last appointment and another ultrasound. It would be the seventh, which in a way is scary, but in another reassuring. I am the weird mom who doesn't like ultrasounds, but when I get to see the baby moving around my womb I get some hours of peace.
I'm still terrified. Terrified of something happening to the baby, of the baby not being fine, of having another C-section. I'll start working on that in ten days, when I have my first appointment with doctor H, with whom I hope to give birth to my baby at UIC. She is the most likely to give me a fair shot to an unmedicated VBAC. I'm 28 weeks from that, which seems like a lot, but with all I have to do, I need to start to prepare soon. I need to read some books. I need to go back to therapy to prepare in case I have another C-section. I have to hire a doula. I have to find someone to take care of my son when I go to the hospital. My parents cannot come, so that's an issue. I have to try to get my body ready to birth, which is a challenge when you are a high risk mama. I have to work. I have to take care of my son, who is already three and a half.
That's my start up to do list. It will keep building up. Thankfully, being an Spaniard and living in a two bedroom prevents me from worrying about nurseries, and he/she being my second baby means that all the gear is already here.
I'm looking forward to Thursday. To see my baby again. I already feel his/her presence in my belly. I already had to start using maternity pant, my usual tight jeans don't cut it anymore. And I'm looking forward to keep posting. Hopefully, it will be a smooth ride with a happy ending. Anyway, I will share it with you.

Break

A mental one, I mean. I haven´t posted in a long time, but the episode that followed my last post should be easy to guess for anyone who has been following my journey. Days later I miscarried, spent my day in bed, and went back to work. I got mad at my doctor because she made me go all the way to her office just to tell me to keep trying. And I rebeled. I decided to take a break, and spend six weeks in Spain with my toddler. I stopped taking temperatures, doing OPKs, charting. I smoke, drink and ingest caffeine. In small amounts, but I do. And i don´t even remember when i had my last period. I decided not to know. I may be pregnant. I´ll check one of this days. If I am not, I will keep trying, for sure. But since my doctor doesn´t have a clue of what´s causing me to miscarry, and I don´t believe in randomness four times in a row, I´m trying on my own terms. i cannot keep putting my lofe on hold. i will live, and hopefully have another baby while I do it. which is what I did the first time around, when we conceived my beautiful son, the one who naps happily while I write. As oppossed to the four I lost in the way of being very careful so I would keep them.

So careful no more. Welcome back to live, myself. To live as I knew it. And the best part is that since i don´t time anything anymore, I even enjoy sex again. It´s not productive. It´s pleasureable. Which may lead to success.

Medically, for some reason my thyroid dropped dramatically to 0.4. Which confirms my theory that the USA affects my health. Obviously it dropped while I was in Spain, maybe I wouldn´t need the medication there. They have halved my dose, and we will see how it´s doing in a few weeks. Until then, i will keep waiting. While. I. Enjoy. The. Summer.

Numb

I'm not smoking. I'm not drinking alcohol. I'm not drinking coffee or tea, unless it's decaffeinated. I don't polish my nails. I don't take sugar substitutes. I'm not eating junk food. I'm not stressing. I'm not having sex. I'm not being defeated. But still, my numbers on Friday were:
hCG: 38
Progesterone: 8
That's bad. Very bad. I haven't started experiencing any symptoms yet, but that means that I am going to have my fourth miscarriage in less than one year. That means that all the temperature taking, all the pills (vitamins, progesterone, levothyroxine). all the OPKs are worth nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because at the end of the day, I probably won't have a baby. I still say probably because the nurse didn't dare say yay or nay (I quote her literally). And I don't want to shed that little last drop of hope. But that's the optimist in me. The realistic, rational Ana knows that this is done. Now what? I don't know.
I have heard all types of consolations. I have friends who tell me not to worry, that it will work next time (which I also heard the first, second and third time). I have friends trying to convince me that an only child is the best thing that can happen to you. I have friends trying to convince me to go the IVF/ embryo selection road. I have friends telling me to stop trying altogether. I have friends who don't know what to say. And I have a couple of friends who totally get it. Because they have been in place very similar to the one I am in now. I guess the good part is that I have lots of friends. The bad one is that none of them will become my baby.
I am very thankful of U2 for writing the song that gave me the title for this post, included in their album Zooropa. It makes me feel a little better. Not too much, but at least a little.

One week

I feel weird, since it's been a long time since I knew for that long that I was pregnant without nothing bad happening. I'm still feeling fine. I checked all my Fertility Friend charts, and I have realized that my miscarriages happened on day 17 post ovulation. That's tomorrow. And other than seeing my therapist, I will sit very still, with my legs crossed, playing Legos with my son from the couch. He will lift them up for me, I'm sure.
And, for the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to walk the baby aisles at Target. And they didn't make me cry. I was able to look at bibs, little spoons, burping cloths and tiny clothes without shedding a tear. I was actually happy. I haven't told almost anyone yet. I told the ladies at ICAN on Sunday, and my two closest friends. We won't tell our families until I'm a few more weeks along, or until little L spills the news, which he almost did while in the phone with my mom yesterday.
Today I have the most difficult task yet. I have to tell my friend S, who has been sharing my infertility journey. I know for experience how hard it is to hear about pregnancies when you cannot have a baby. I know she will be happy for me, but also a little sad. If at least it gives her some hope, I will be fine.