Sunday, July 26, 2009
OFF
That's how my body is. Or at least it looks like it. Something doesn't work in there. Something is broken. I don't think it was broken from the beginning, it got broke on my way here. Which is why I want a VBAC, so they don't break anything else. But in order to have a VBAC I need to be pregnant first. And I don't think I am anymore. Yesterday I started having cramps and bleeding. I went to the ER. My official name now is "gravitas 3, 1 live birth". It's not their fault I overheard it. It sounds like a bad soccer game you loose. They are not sure yet I'm miscarrying, my cervix was apparently closed, but the blood doesn't look good. There was still some hCG, but they couldn't tell for sure. I have to try to get an appointment for tomorrow and have more blood work done and a proper ultrasound. It's pretty awful. I feel bad. My whole body aches. And although I try to keep some hope and send some strength to the potential baby, I know that my breasts have softened, as has my belly. And I feel like a big piece of crap. And I want to grab a bottle of whiskey and a box of cigarrettes, and sit outside looking to the moon and asking her: WHY?
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1 comment:
Don't lose hope, hon. I'm rooting for you with all the energy I have.
You know, I was thinking about you this morning while I was getting ready & it occurred to me that it *might be possible* (just hear me out) that the same thing happened with Lucas. Remember you said the timing shouldn't have worked? You had a period? Maybe it wasn't a period at all. Maybe it was whatever this is? Maybe this is your "off" body's way of holding on to the babe?
I don't know, really. And maybe I'm grasping for straws, but I'm holding out hope until you have some definitive answers.
A closed cervix is a great thing. And without another HCG check, there is nothing to know.
Take it easy & rest your body as much as you can. And keep enjoying the music for your mind.
Much love,
xoxooxoxox
A
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