One year

I can't believe it, but it has been one year since I started this blog. Tomorrow is my birthday, which means that I should be cleaning up and preparing things for the party I finally had to organize myself. I'm certainly not happy about that. One year ago I hoped I would have a chubby baby in my arms by this time. I don't. I could have, the due date for the first miscarriage passed this week. But I don't. An I have two more missed due dates to go. They will be hard. I don't have a baby in my arms, but I know more than last week. It turns out that I'm fine. But our chances of carrying a baby to term are slimmer. Apparently little L was our lucky shot. The doc said we have good chances of having more babies. But they want to do all kinds of prenatal testing. And I don't. I won't. Because even in the worst case scenario, I would never terminate the pregnancy. I'm as agnostic as they come, but I have lost three tiny babies. As little as they could be at six weeks of pregnancy, they were my babies. I also won't get pregnant unless I have realistic expectations of having a VBAC. If a c-section is mandatory, I'm out.
We have an appointment with a genetic doctor in two weeks. They wanted to meet this week, but of course Mr Hubby is too busy. Which bugs me. A lot. The doctor made sure to repeat him one hundred times that it is not his fault. I didn't hear anything of the kind when the ball was on my side of the court. Am I pissed? Very much. Do I feel bad for him? Certainly. But when today I got a package with all the forms from the genetic office, I got mad. Because they are addressed at me. Because they include a shiny brochure of all the fancy prenatal tests they can perform. Because I know I'm in for a fight. And one year later, I don't know if it is a fight I can endure. What a lovely birthday I will have. In four hours, I will be thirty.

Incertidumbre

If you thought (as I did) that this sucks, wait until you read the next development. After I don't know how many calls to Dr S's office, trying to get the thyroid medication, the nurse finally called back. Of course, she didn't remember why I called her on the first place. I told her, and she told me she would check my test results, talk to the doctor, and call me back with the prescription. Instead, one hour later the doctor called. She just told me that she want to meet us as soon as possible to discuss some test results. I know something is wrong because the nurse told me that unless there is some red flag they don't give results until they have all the test, hysteroscopy included. And since she called, I asked the doctor if I should assume that there is something wrong. She said yes. We have the appointment for Wednesday, which will make for five very long days. I have already gone through the worst case scenarios: lupus, cancer, not being able to have more kids... It's a defense mechanism. Which won't work. And it will make me crazy. If there is something worse than bad news, is waiting for them in the dark. Arrrrggghhhh!

Mad

I am actually beyond mad. I just realized, that if my cycles do whatever FF expects them to do, my next tiny window for the hysteroscopy is... Thanksgiving!?F*&%# And the next one... Christmas!?@#%$&^**^( You can guess the rest. I went again on Wednesday to have my blood drawn for chromosomal testing. My arm is still sore and tender. And I couldn't even get the flu shot. Not that I want to, I would actually skip it altogether, and I won't get Little L one, but Dr S said it was not open to discussion. I told her I will get it if I can get before I'm pregnant, but that I won't, for anything, get it afterwards.
I had a revealing experience this weekend. I attended a workshop about Spanish feminine short stories, and while analyzing the texts I realized how much my life is focused on infertility right now. I see it everywhere. The funny thing was that my obsession led the well known author who was leading the workshop to talk to me at the end, and I managed to buy her lunch the day after, only to discover that she has also dealt with this kind of issues. Her advice? Stop it. Don't make yourself suffer anymore. Adopt. Not bad. At least she got me writing again, I think I have an idea for a short story book, and I already started. Let's see what happens. Of course, infertility is there. As it is everywhere else. I have nightmares. I have gained at least six pounds in the last three weeks. I'm anxious, all the time. I'm not smoking because I don't feel like it (weiiiiird). So I eat. All the time. Constantly. Salty, sweet, salty, sweet... It's disgusting. I want to stop. I had managed to lose some weight over the last months... Gaining it back in mere weeks doesn't seem like a good idea. I guess I need my therapist. A lot. Or a baby. But that will not happen in at least a couple of months. Sigh.

Already upset

And I have known the doctor for just a few weeks... I called several times last week trying to get some of my test results, to no avail. The nurse told me that they only give them to you when they have all of them and the doctor meets with you to design a plan. That already made me a little mad, since it is my blood, all 16 vials of it. Then, I called to let them know that I ovulated on Saturday, and I needed to set up an appointment to do the hysteroscopy. Their answer? They are already booked!!!!!!! I was extremely mad and disappointed. This can happen again next month. A few sweeties here and there, and thanking me for being patient will not fix it. The only thing they have gotten is for me to reconsider the hysteroscopy. I want them to give me the results for the thyroid test now, start taking hormones to fix that now, and maybe try to get pregnant again in one month, without doing the hysteroscopy. I know I run a pretty high risk of miscarrying again. But no one can guarantee me that it couldn't happen anyway after further testing. And this way we don't touch an already touched uterus. With my gynecologic luck, I'm sure I will be the 1% complication rate. I'm always the residual percentage. I make all their statistics. It sucks. Am I making any sense? Yes, I'm in a hurry. But I am about to run out of pages in my little pink Moleskine, the one I use to record all my FF data. And I am certainly in a worse place than when I started.

Tapping my fingers

I am waiting. Waiting is killing me. I'm not good at it. I'm impatient. At least I finally had my period, so now I am waiting for that lovely ovulation to happen. Until then, I'm back to the FF chart, and doing OPKs every day. And when I'm done waiting for the ovulation, I have to wait another ten days until they do the hysteroscopy. Which sounds uncomfortable, and a little scary. It only has a .5% risk of complications, but with my luck, I will be the .5%. But we need to do it. I didn't get any test results back yet, and since it'[s been twenty days I'm going to start bugging my doctor's office. I want something. Some bait while I wait. Ahhhhhrgggg!
On another note, I have realized I'm not healed from the miscarriages. I thought I had already mourned them. But nope. Last weekend my mom shot me the news that my cousin and his wife are having a baby in May. It was harsh. I started crying, hysterically. I wasn't crying because of the baby they are going to have, of course, I'm actually happy for them. I was crying for the babies I will never have, the three I already lost. And for the uncertainty about the future. I was crying because I ain't going to have no baby. So now, three people very dear to me are going to have babies around the times of the three due dates that could have been. Thanks nature, babies emanate happiness.

We have a plan

I finally got to see the fancy specialist at University of Chicago, Dr Stephenson, on Thursday. She was personable, respectful, and kind. And very very very proactive, which is all I want now. The first thing that called her attention is my thyroid. She didn't like the fact that has been at 3.5 for a while. I didn't like it either, but my regular OB didn't care about it. That on its own could have caused the miscarriages. But, to be sure, she took 16 vials of my blood (yes, sixteen, and I hadn't even had breakfast, so imagine...) and she is going to test for various things. She also wants to do a hysteroscopy and a biopsy of my uterine lining. That will happen between 9 and 11 days after my next LH surge. I haven't even had my period yet, so I guess it will be at the end of October. It's a little invasive, and given my history with tachycardia she needs to give me some extra drugs to keep my heart at a safe rate. I hate that I cannot control when will it happen. And I have to do OPKs again. I'm cooking garbanzo beans tonight, and I will drink their broth. At least when I was young in Spain, we were told that that causes you period to come. I'm sure it was all the placebo effect, but I will try it anyway, it may work. Once they do the biopsy, the lining is sent to a lab in Yale, to be analyzed by the only guy in the States who does this kind of high tech test. And we'll go from there. She also told me that I have to quit smoking (I know, and I did quit before trying the three times), but since she said I need to be clear of nicotine for one month before trying, and that is not going to happen in the next two months, I think I will give myself an extension. I'm rather anxious, and a cigarette a day helps cope with that. Plus, I am back (sort of) in the club scene, so I will take it easy for some weeks.
I hate having to wait so long. I want a baby, and I want that baby now. As I said before, I want to go to sleep and wake up nine months later with a baby on my pillow.
I liked the doctor because she was the first one to pay any attention to my Fertility Friend charts, that I have been retrieving for a year. I liked her because she actually paid attention to me. She even asked what was my theory about what's going on, and she seemed to agree with me, or at least take my gut feelings into account. And considering that these are matters of the gut, I find that very important. I felt respected. I felt understood. She didn't try to minimize my losses. She didn't say, "It's fine". Because it's not. And she knows it. Now I know hope.

Update

I have my first appointment with Dr S on September 24th. They are fully booked until then. I don't know if that means that they are good or that uteruses are evolving to a less functional stage. At least we are moving. Slowly. But I feel more active than before. I'm still devastated, but I'm coming to terms with what has happened. My abdomen hurts, my back hurts, my whole body hurts, but none of those pains is comparable to the one my heart bears. I have lost three babies. And my biggest fear now is that I may forget about the one who is sleeping in his crib right now. That I make him feel like he is not enough. I hope I am able to avoid that. Because I only want for him o have someone to play with, someone with whom he can share his experiences, his life. All those laughs and giggles, all that love that he is generous enough to share with us. He is the love of my live. I just want a little polygamy.