Here goes the 8th

Pregnancy, it is. Because I am pregnant again. I wasn't trying, I wasn't doing OPKs, I wasn't expecting it and I was utterly surprised when I took a test yesterday, 2 days after my period  should have started. I normally know one week earlier, but I seriously didn't think it would happen.

My first reaction was tears. Not joyful tears, but tears of fear. Fear of having to go again through a miscarriage, so soon after the last one. I then decided that fear is like giving up, and I am not giving up on this baby so soon. It sucks that yesterday was Friday, so although I had bloodwork done today I won't have any results until Monday. The wait is excruciating. All my tension sits in my uterus, that feels hard as an apple. And I pee as little as I can because I am scared of seeing blood. Nonecof those things are good for the pregnancy, but there is not much I can do to relax. Sleep would be good. Maybe later. Meanwhile, I'll keep up the hope while rubbing my belly.

39w 5d

I can't believe I made it this far. Since little L came early I assumed this one would come early too. But here I am, two days short of my due date, and baby still seems happy in there. I have thought three times that I was in labor, with 1 minute long contraction every 4 minutes for more than an hour. The three times I managed to sleep and it went away. And now I'm eagerly waiting for it to happen. Luckily my doctor seems cool with waiting, she only wants me to go on Friday for a non stress fetal test. Which I presume will be fine since little P (I know, it sounds awful in English) moves quite a lot. In a perfect world I wouldn't make it until Friday. I'm a little bit anxious, because not so little L's birthday is coming up in exactly nine days and i want to be there with him. We'll see. But so far everything looks good, no one has mentioned the word C-section, baby is in good position to launch, and I feel so good that I went out with my friends yesterday night.

Hopefully, I will post a birth story very soon. I'm due.

14w, 2d

I finally feel officially pregnant. Until this week, I was seeing a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist who didn't do any prenatal testing, only ultrasounds to make sure that the baby was fine and where he/she is supposed to be. But on Tuesday I transferred to Dr H, who will be my OB and hopefully will deliver the baby. We are far from being out of the whole high risk loop due to the chromosomal traslocation and my previous preeclampsia. She is an MFM, and both she and her midwife are lovely, nice, caring, joyful women, who totally made me feel like I'm being taken care of. Which is something I haven't felt often in this country. Since they work at UIC I feel that my chances of a VBAC are better. They said that so far, there is nothing that indicates against a trial of labor. I am realistic, and they are encouraging, which should be a better mix than we had the first time around.
I have already contacted a doula, and I hope to meet her in the next couple of weeks so we can see whether we connect or not. If we do, I will be able to check something else off my list. Now I need to find prenatal yoga classes. I hate exercising, but I'm sure I will feel better if I do it, and my back will be in better shape.
I can tell that I am way happier than I have been in the last few weeks. I guess I was scared. I still am, and I will be until I have this baby in my arms. My next milestone is the 20 week level 2 ultrasound. After that, comes birth in my paranoid book. But I am enjoying it now, to such a point of relaxation that I fell asleep three times in the bus or train this week. That's not me. And that elates me.

12w 1d

Since I bought the first footsie this week I think I can already scream that I'm pregnant. Twelve weeks pregnant. And so far, everything appears to go well. Baby is fine, where h/she is supposed to be. And I have made it through the first trimester. The last four times we didn't even made it to half the first trimester, so this is huge. HUGE. We have probably had seven appointments with our doctor, and we are graduating from her next week, when we have our last appointment and another ultrasound. It would be the seventh, which in a way is scary, but in another reassuring. I am the weird mom who doesn't like ultrasounds, but when I get to see the baby moving around my womb I get some hours of peace.
I'm still terrified. Terrified of something happening to the baby, of the baby not being fine, of having another C-section. I'll start working on that in ten days, when I have my first appointment with doctor H, with whom I hope to give birth to my baby at UIC. She is the most likely to give me a fair shot to an unmedicated VBAC. I'm 28 weeks from that, which seems like a lot, but with all I have to do, I need to start to prepare soon. I need to read some books. I need to go back to therapy to prepare in case I have another C-section. I have to hire a doula. I have to find someone to take care of my son when I go to the hospital. My parents cannot come, so that's an issue. I have to try to get my body ready to birth, which is a challenge when you are a high risk mama. I have to work. I have to take care of my son, who is already three and a half.
That's my start up to do list. It will keep building up. Thankfully, being an Spaniard and living in a two bedroom prevents me from worrying about nurseries, and he/she being my second baby means that all the gear is already here.
I'm looking forward to Thursday. To see my baby again. I already feel his/her presence in my belly. I already had to start using maternity pant, my usual tight jeans don't cut it anymore. And I'm looking forward to keep posting. Hopefully, it will be a smooth ride with a happy ending. Anyway, I will share it with you.

Funny

I am still pregnant, which is weird, since the last three times I didn't know for long... I am feeling better, I didn't have any pain yesterday. I tried not to move around too much. I did stuff, like grading, comfortably sitting in my bed. The doctor hasn't said anything about resting, but I know that in Spain I would be put at least at partial rest, and I have noticed that the pain comes when I am very active. It seems wise to take it easy.
This morning I had a hilarious awakening. We had to tell our toddler that there is a baby in my tummy, since he is extremely active and has a thing for jumping onto my belly. He climbed into my bed this morning and told me: "Baby out, me in", while he tried to enter my tummy through my navel. It was extremely funny, since he is 32 months old, and rather big for his age. Daddy took his measurements and we decided he wouldn't fit, which seemed to convince him. i guess we will have more humorous moments as the pregnancy progresses. And I will keep posting them here.

Official +

I had blood work done today, and I'm officially pregnant. Not too pregnant, but it's early, so we wouldn't expect higher levels. hCG is at 14.9 (I love the accuracy). Progesterone is at 12. I have to go back in one week to have the test repeated, and have my thyroid checked again, so they can adjust my medication. I loved the fact that I am not being treated as an ignorant being who couldn't understand medical terms. I really appreciate having all the data to the point, and getting answers to any questions I may have. My cramps are getting better, which is reassuring, because they are not normal, as I found out today. But they are definitely gone when I am resting, so I may have to take it easy. I will, as much as I need to. I want this baby.
I agreed with my therapist that I would try to be in a state of cautious joy. I think I am achieving it, but I cannot avoid thinking of my pregnancy as my baby. And even though I know there are no ears yet, I talk to hr, and I whisper: 'Quédate, bebé, quédate", as in a ritual chant. I hope he or she does.

Still there...

Although I have an appointment tomorrow to have my blood drawn, I couldn't resist, and took another HPT this morning. The line was still there. I had a very busy morning, and now I am feeling some abdominal pain. Which is usually a bad sign. I'll wait until tomorrow.
On the blue line HPTs... I have to say that I still use them. When I was pregnant with Little L, I tried digital first. They kept coming negative. Then I tried the pink ones. They were still negative. And I finally tried the e.p.t. old fashioned ones... And of course, they worked. I was almost seven weeks pregnant by then. I know, I know, it was kind of late. But there he is, napping in the living room.
In any case, today was a happy day, because my good friend A gave birth to her beautiful daughter. Has the fact that you are now officially a mom kicked in yet? Happy thoughts from Chicago to NJ.

So far, so good

At least this time I may manage to get the test results from the doctor before anything happens... I'm waiting for her call right now, and she should have the hCG results, and hopefully the progesterone one too. But I feel pregnant. I woke up at 4:45 to pee. And, as I have stated before here, I'm able to fly from Madrid to Chicago, via London, without peeing even once. So for me, midnight trips to the bathroom are bluer than any line in a pregnancy test. I'm also hungry, thirsty and sleepy, which I recall as early signs from the first time around. And, since I started weaning my son (well, I took him down to one feeding a day), I can definitely feel that my bras are tighter. I'm starting to get happier. It's too soon for me to put a pregnancy ticker, or something like that, but Spring is definitely the right time to have babies in Chicago. We'll see. Meanwhile, thank you for the good wishes and all the jumping, my good friend.

A's dream

My friend A wrote yesterday to tell me that she had dreamed that I was pregnant with a girl. As of today I don't know if I'm pregnant at all, but that's the second baby dream in a week. She has also been trying to get pregnant for some months. Apparently there is some kind of infertility cloud over here, because I know five ladies who are trying, but none has succeeded so far :(