Double double double double...

The words that a woman with a history of early miscarriage expects to hear the most are "It doubled". And I heard them today. Although still very low at 130, it doubled from Saturday, which means that the baby in my belly is growing. I'm aware of the fact that right now it's only a ball of cells reproducing like crazy, but that ball of cells happens to be my baby. And I had only had my HCG levels double with the pregnancies that resulted in the two lovely boys who drive me crazy  at home every night. Actually, I even have an appointment for an ultrasound next week. Which will be a very long week as they are not doing any more bloodwork on me until then. I will be kind of nervius. Just kind of.

Break

A mental one, I mean. I haven´t posted in a long time, but the episode that followed my last post should be easy to guess for anyone who has been following my journey. Days later I miscarried, spent my day in bed, and went back to work. I got mad at my doctor because she made me go all the way to her office just to tell me to keep trying. And I rebeled. I decided to take a break, and spend six weeks in Spain with my toddler. I stopped taking temperatures, doing OPKs, charting. I smoke, drink and ingest caffeine. In small amounts, but I do. And i don´t even remember when i had my last period. I decided not to know. I may be pregnant. I´ll check one of this days. If I am not, I will keep trying, for sure. But since my doctor doesn´t have a clue of what´s causing me to miscarry, and I don´t believe in randomness four times in a row, I´m trying on my own terms. i cannot keep putting my lofe on hold. i will live, and hopefully have another baby while I do it. which is what I did the first time around, when we conceived my beautiful son, the one who naps happily while I write. As oppossed to the four I lost in the way of being very careful so I would keep them.

So careful no more. Welcome back to live, myself. To live as I knew it. And the best part is that since i don´t time anything anymore, I even enjoy sex again. It´s not productive. It´s pleasureable. Which may lead to success.

Medically, for some reason my thyroid dropped dramatically to 0.4. Which confirms my theory that the USA affects my health. Obviously it dropped while I was in Spain, maybe I wouldn´t need the medication there. They have halved my dose, and we will see how it´s doing in a few weeks. Until then, i will keep waiting. While. I. Enjoy. The. Summer.

We have a plan

I finally got to see the fancy specialist at University of Chicago, Dr Stephenson, on Thursday. She was personable, respectful, and kind. And very very very proactive, which is all I want now. The first thing that called her attention is my thyroid. She didn't like the fact that has been at 3.5 for a while. I didn't like it either, but my regular OB didn't care about it. That on its own could have caused the miscarriages. But, to be sure, she took 16 vials of my blood (yes, sixteen, and I hadn't even had breakfast, so imagine...) and she is going to test for various things. She also wants to do a hysteroscopy and a biopsy of my uterine lining. That will happen between 9 and 11 days after my next LH surge. I haven't even had my period yet, so I guess it will be at the end of October. It's a little invasive, and given my history with tachycardia she needs to give me some extra drugs to keep my heart at a safe rate. I hate that I cannot control when will it happen. And I have to do OPKs again. I'm cooking garbanzo beans tonight, and I will drink their broth. At least when I was young in Spain, we were told that that causes you period to come. I'm sure it was all the placebo effect, but I will try it anyway, it may work. Once they do the biopsy, the lining is sent to a lab in Yale, to be analyzed by the only guy in the States who does this kind of high tech test. And we'll go from there. She also told me that I have to quit smoking (I know, and I did quit before trying the three times), but since she said I need to be clear of nicotine for one month before trying, and that is not going to happen in the next two months, I think I will give myself an extension. I'm rather anxious, and a cigarette a day helps cope with that. Plus, I am back (sort of) in the club scene, so I will take it easy for some weeks.
I hate having to wait so long. I want a baby, and I want that baby now. As I said before, I want to go to sleep and wake up nine months later with a baby on my pillow.
I liked the doctor because she was the first one to pay any attention to my Fertility Friend charts, that I have been retrieving for a year. I liked her because she actually paid attention to me. She even asked what was my theory about what's going on, and she seemed to agree with me, or at least take my gut feelings into account. And considering that these are matters of the gut, I find that very important. I felt respected. I felt understood. She didn't try to minimize my losses. She didn't say, "It's fine". Because it's not. And she knows it. Now I know hope.

Para empezar...

After five months trying, last week I decided to try a scar tissue massage to see if we could get things going. I won't know if it worked or not for a few weeks, but Joe, the massage therapist, suggested that I should start writing a journal. I will probably try an old fashion version as well, but I thought that a blog version could work too, and maybe, someday, help other moms. The last months of my first pregnancy were very difficult, and I had a horrible delivery experience, which ended in a C-Section. Maybe one day I will tell that story here. Not today. I have spent the last year an a half educating myself about VBAC, going to ICAN meetings, and trying to heal from my wounds, which were deep enough for me to need therapy. Thanks to that, my husband, and beautiful Baby L, I'm more than ready to start the journey again. But this time it will be different. I won't be naive anymore. I will know a little bit more than the last time. I will be scared, and probably not in my little pink cloud, but I decided Sunday that there are different kinds of clouds, and maybe I can pick another color. My OB (carefully picked after interviewing a bunch of providers) told me to expect a worst case scenario. I have decided I won't. If I do, I won't get pregnant, which is the first step towards a VBAC. As is not taking your doctor's orders as if she is some kind of god. She is not.