Here goes the 8th

Pregnancy, it is. Because I am pregnant again. I wasn't trying, I wasn't doing OPKs, I wasn't expecting it and I was utterly surprised when I took a test yesterday, 2 days after my period  should have started. I normally know one week earlier, but I seriously didn't think it would happen.

My first reaction was tears. Not joyful tears, but tears of fear. Fear of having to go again through a miscarriage, so soon after the last one. I then decided that fear is like giving up, and I am not giving up on this baby so soon. It sucks that yesterday was Friday, so although I had bloodwork done today I won't have any results until Monday. The wait is excruciating. All my tension sits in my uterus, that feels hard as an apple. And I pee as little as I can because I am scared of seeing blood. Nonecof those things are good for the pregnancy, but there is not much I can do to relax. Sleep would be good. Maybe later. Meanwhile, I'll keep up the hope while rubbing my belly.

:(

How something as routine and silly as flushing the toilet can become so difficult and painful? I started bleeding yesterday, and every single time I go to the bathroom I cannot avoid thinking that somewhere in tbe blood I'm flushin away is my baby, and I am letting him go like waste. 

That may be one of the hardest things about early miscarriage, that you can only say goodbye to a gush of blood. I may have just been five weeks pregnant, but I already loved this baby, who was wanted and waited for. 

I'm in pain, and look terrible, but the damage is to my soul, not to my body. Is my heart what will need some patches. And even if I have another baby, I won't forget this one, or the previous four I lost. I will try again, soon.

Break

A mental one, I mean. I haven´t posted in a long time, but the episode that followed my last post should be easy to guess for anyone who has been following my journey. Days later I miscarried, spent my day in bed, and went back to work. I got mad at my doctor because she made me go all the way to her office just to tell me to keep trying. And I rebeled. I decided to take a break, and spend six weeks in Spain with my toddler. I stopped taking temperatures, doing OPKs, charting. I smoke, drink and ingest caffeine. In small amounts, but I do. And i don´t even remember when i had my last period. I decided not to know. I may be pregnant. I´ll check one of this days. If I am not, I will keep trying, for sure. But since my doctor doesn´t have a clue of what´s causing me to miscarry, and I don´t believe in randomness four times in a row, I´m trying on my own terms. i cannot keep putting my lofe on hold. i will live, and hopefully have another baby while I do it. which is what I did the first time around, when we conceived my beautiful son, the one who naps happily while I write. As oppossed to the four I lost in the way of being very careful so I would keep them.

So careful no more. Welcome back to live, myself. To live as I knew it. And the best part is that since i don´t time anything anymore, I even enjoy sex again. It´s not productive. It´s pleasureable. Which may lead to success.

Medically, for some reason my thyroid dropped dramatically to 0.4. Which confirms my theory that the USA affects my health. Obviously it dropped while I was in Spain, maybe I wouldn´t need the medication there. They have halved my dose, and we will see how it´s doing in a few weeks. Until then, i will keep waiting. While. I. Enjoy. The. Summer.

Numb

I'm not smoking. I'm not drinking alcohol. I'm not drinking coffee or tea, unless it's decaffeinated. I don't polish my nails. I don't take sugar substitutes. I'm not eating junk food. I'm not stressing. I'm not having sex. I'm not being defeated. But still, my numbers on Friday were:
hCG: 38
Progesterone: 8
That's bad. Very bad. I haven't started experiencing any symptoms yet, but that means that I am going to have my fourth miscarriage in less than one year. That means that all the temperature taking, all the pills (vitamins, progesterone, levothyroxine). all the OPKs are worth nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because at the end of the day, I probably won't have a baby. I still say probably because the nurse didn't dare say yay or nay (I quote her literally). And I don't want to shed that little last drop of hope. But that's the optimist in me. The realistic, rational Ana knows that this is done. Now what? I don't know.
I have heard all types of consolations. I have friends who tell me not to worry, that it will work next time (which I also heard the first, second and third time). I have friends trying to convince me that an only child is the best thing that can happen to you. I have friends trying to convince me to go the IVF/ embryo selection road. I have friends telling me to stop trying altogether. I have friends who don't know what to say. And I have a couple of friends who totally get it. Because they have been in place very similar to the one I am in now. I guess the good part is that I have lots of friends. The bad one is that none of them will become my baby.
I am very thankful of U2 for writing the song that gave me the title for this post, included in their album Zooropa. It makes me feel a little better. Not too much, but at least a little.

Done and cleared

I finally had my hysteroscopy done yesterday, and it wasn't nearly as scary or painful as I expected. They took very good care of me, the were gentle and sensitive, and doped me accordingly. As my doctor said, I was loopy. She also said that my uterus looked lovely, one of the best compliments I have ever heard. I left a happy woman. She found some scarring in my cervix (probably due to the IUD) that she had to remove in order to get in. But everything else is good. She took a biopsy that we sent to the man in Yale, so he tells us how my uterine lining is doing. And she wants to see us again on the 17th, to regroup, and, as far as my thyroid is back to normal, give us the go to trying again.
On the down side, we saw a genetic counselor on Tuesday regarding Hubby's chromosomal translocation. We have a 15% higher chance of miscarriage than everybody else, and we have a 3% higher chance of having a baby with birth defects, of any kind. Of course they offered embryo selection, sperm donation, and all kind of prenatal invasive tests to decide whether to continue with the pregnancy or not. Of course I refused. They were understanding, and not at all pushy. They understood. And I am glad they did. Because there is no reason that would make me get rid of my baby. I totally respect whatever decision anyone else does. But not me. I couldn't. They will be my babies. As the three I lost were. As the one who is running around the apartment naked still is. No mother should aspire to perfection. It's not how it works. And if you do, maybe you shouldn't be a mother at all. Am I being judgemental? Maybe. But I feel entitled. I will be just happy to keep being a mom. I know where I am getting myself into. I know the chances. And I will welcome and love every child we have. We won't cope with the problems until they arrive. Wisdom learning of the week.
Despite all this, I couldn't be happier. Because little L is walking (and running, and bouncing, and hugging, and kissing) proof that we can have a baby. I just can't wait to try again, with more knowledge, and more peace.

Tapping my fingers

I am waiting. Waiting is killing me. I'm not good at it. I'm impatient. At least I finally had my period, so now I am waiting for that lovely ovulation to happen. Until then, I'm back to the FF chart, and doing OPKs every day. And when I'm done waiting for the ovulation, I have to wait another ten days until they do the hysteroscopy. Which sounds uncomfortable, and a little scary. It only has a .5% risk of complications, but with my luck, I will be the .5%. But we need to do it. I didn't get any test results back yet, and since it'[s been twenty days I'm going to start bugging my doctor's office. I want something. Some bait while I wait. Ahhhhhrgggg!
On another note, I have realized I'm not healed from the miscarriages. I thought I had already mourned them. But nope. Last weekend my mom shot me the news that my cousin and his wife are having a baby in May. It was harsh. I started crying, hysterically. I wasn't crying because of the baby they are going to have, of course, I'm actually happy for them. I was crying for the babies I will never have, the three I already lost. And for the uncertainty about the future. I was crying because I ain't going to have no baby. So now, three people very dear to me are going to have babies around the times of the three due dates that could have been. Thanks nature, babies emanate happiness.

Update

I have my first appointment with Dr S on September 24th. They are fully booked until then. I don't know if that means that they are good or that uteruses are evolving to a less functional stage. At least we are moving. Slowly. But I feel more active than before. I'm still devastated, but I'm coming to terms with what has happened. My abdomen hurts, my back hurts, my whole body hurts, but none of those pains is comparable to the one my heart bears. I have lost three babies. And my biggest fear now is that I may forget about the one who is sleeping in his crib right now. That I make him feel like he is not enough. I hope I am able to avoid that. Because I only want for him o have someone to play with, someone with whom he can share his experiences, his life. All those laughs and giggles, all that love that he is generous enough to share with us. He is the love of my live. I just want a little polygamy.

Miscarriage, 3rd edition

It started a couple of hours ago. We went to the Shangai Circus at Navy Pier with a friend and her daughter. The kids were having so much fun that for a minute I was able not to think about it. And then I started to feel the pain. It was like the other two times. I knew. Sure enough, I checked and there was the blood. We are back home now, I have my stash of gossip magazines, starting with my Spanish Hola, I have a blanket, but my bed has been taken by a two year old. I'll curl up in there when he goes to take his bath. I'm not hungry, or thirsty, or even tired. But I don't have any energy left. My head is about to explode. I'm sad beyond even my understanding.
Y mañana será otro día, and hopefully I will have some time to rest. But I have to start my quest for an answer, for a solution. I need to know why, and I need to know how to fix it. And if we can't fix it, I need to know that, too. I'm sure I'll have to go to the doctor tomorrow, and I will try to get an appointment with the best specialist in Chicago on RPL. She runs a clinic at the University of Chicago. That's a start. This is an end.

OFF

That's how my body is. Or at least it looks like it. Something doesn't work in there. Something is broken. I don't think it was broken from the beginning, it got broke on my way here. Which is why I want a VBAC, so they don't break anything else. But in order to have a VBAC I need to be pregnant first. And I don't think I am anymore. Yesterday I started having cramps and bleeding. I went to the ER. My official name now is "gravitas 3, 1 live birth". It's not their fault I overheard it. It sounds like a bad soccer game you loose. They are not sure yet I'm miscarrying, my cervix was apparently closed, but the blood doesn't look good. There was still some hCG, but they couldn't tell for sure. I have to try to get an appointment for tomorrow and have more blood work done and a proper ultrasound. It's pretty awful. I feel bad. My whole body aches. And although I try to keep some hope and send some strength to the potential baby, I know that my breasts have softened, as has my belly. And I feel like a big piece of crap. And I want to grab a bottle of whiskey and a box of cigarrettes, and sit outside looking to the moon and asking her: WHY?

Nope

Not this time. I got my period some days ago. Or what I think it´s my period, but it resembles my miscarriage more than anything else I´ve seen before... Since I´m in the countryside in Spain, I didn´t have a chance to take a pregnancy test, so there is no way to know. It may be better, because I want to start trying as soon as I can, which is as soon as I meet my husband after three weeks apart... I have my hopes on the summer. And since I´ll have a full house as soon as I get back to Chicago, I won´t have time to think too much about it. I´m sure that will help. In the meanwhile, I keep charting, but I have crzay cycles, and my OB doesn´t seem to care about that. I may have to change OB´s again. :(

New cycle, one month to go

My first period after the miscarriage started today. Not a particularly happy day, I'm kind of emotional. The fact that I have a cold doesn't help. But I'm teary, and a little sad. I guess that, in a way, reality kicked in. The good part is that we only have one month to go before we try again. I can't wait. And at the same time it scares me to death. Today I told about it to some of the girls in a VBAC support group I belong to. Surprisingly, I got a bunch of particularly understanding responses from some of them. Apparently it's way more common than anyone thinks. I should know, my mom and my sister have been through this before. But yet no one talks about it. That should change. Let's take some drama out of something very dramatic. I'm just glad I have this amazing group of extra strong women to count on.
Note to myself: don't ask people when they are going to have the next baby, or the first baby, or any kind of baby. You don't know what's going on on their reproductive lives. I got asked twice today when I'm having the next one. Not a question I want to hear right now. But, how would they know, if we just don't talk about it?
I guess that so far this blog is being more about the journey than about the VBAC. I hope the journey takes me there someday.

Short

The rayita is gone. I had a miscarriage yesterday, and it feels awful. I spent my morning crying, then trying not to cry at the doctors office, and then crying again. Then, when we went back home, we all had a three hour long nap. Sleeping part of it off was a good idea. I spent the rest of the day resting around, with Husband a baby L at home with me. Husband is also sad, it was a loss for the three of us. I know we only knew for a few days, but we were already making all kind of plans, and we were elated I was finally pregnant, after seven months of trying... They told me we can try again after my next period, and that's exactly what we plan to do. After a three day break I wen back to Fertility Friend. I knew it would be difficult, but the sooner the better. Now I'm battling with the idea of taking a shower, I hate to see all the blood, but I'll have to do it eventually, and my pain (the physical part of it) may even go away for a little bit. It feels weird, like a stronger period. Talking or writing about it also feels weird, but I have found that talking about it helps me. Most people don't, and I'm guessing that talking about it can help other people too. Part of the shock happens because we don't know enough about it. And there is nothing to be ashamed of, it's part of a process. A very, very sad part. I know I'll keep crying at times, but I'm trying to get better fast for Little L's sake. Going back to normal may help. It was a short patch of hope and happiness, and now we need to mourn it for a little while.