Done and cleared

I finally had my hysteroscopy done yesterday, and it wasn't nearly as scary or painful as I expected. They took very good care of me, the were gentle and sensitive, and doped me accordingly. As my doctor said, I was loopy. She also said that my uterus looked lovely, one of the best compliments I have ever heard. I left a happy woman. She found some scarring in my cervix (probably due to the IUD) that she had to remove in order to get in. But everything else is good. She took a biopsy that we sent to the man in Yale, so he tells us how my uterine lining is doing. And she wants to see us again on the 17th, to regroup, and, as far as my thyroid is back to normal, give us the go to trying again.
On the down side, we saw a genetic counselor on Tuesday regarding Hubby's chromosomal translocation. We have a 15% higher chance of miscarriage than everybody else, and we have a 3% higher chance of having a baby with birth defects, of any kind. Of course they offered embryo selection, sperm donation, and all kind of prenatal invasive tests to decide whether to continue with the pregnancy or not. Of course I refused. They were understanding, and not at all pushy. They understood. And I am glad they did. Because there is no reason that would make me get rid of my baby. I totally respect whatever decision anyone else does. But not me. I couldn't. They will be my babies. As the three I lost were. As the one who is running around the apartment naked still is. No mother should aspire to perfection. It's not how it works. And if you do, maybe you shouldn't be a mother at all. Am I being judgemental? Maybe. But I feel entitled. I will be just happy to keep being a mom. I know where I am getting myself into. I know the chances. And I will welcome and love every child we have. We won't cope with the problems until they arrive. Wisdom learning of the week.
Despite all this, I couldn't be happier. Because little L is walking (and running, and bouncing, and hugging, and kissing) proof that we can have a baby. I just can't wait to try again, with more knowledge, and more peace.

Already upset

And I have known the doctor for just a few weeks... I called several times last week trying to get some of my test results, to no avail. The nurse told me that they only give them to you when they have all of them and the doctor meets with you to design a plan. That already made me a little mad, since it is my blood, all 16 vials of it. Then, I called to let them know that I ovulated on Saturday, and I needed to set up an appointment to do the hysteroscopy. Their answer? They are already booked!!!!!!! I was extremely mad and disappointed. This can happen again next month. A few sweeties here and there, and thanking me for being patient will not fix it. The only thing they have gotten is for me to reconsider the hysteroscopy. I want them to give me the results for the thyroid test now, start taking hormones to fix that now, and maybe try to get pregnant again in one month, without doing the hysteroscopy. I know I run a pretty high risk of miscarrying again. But no one can guarantee me that it couldn't happen anyway after further testing. And this way we don't touch an already touched uterus. With my gynecologic luck, I'm sure I will be the 1% complication rate. I'm always the residual percentage. I make all their statistics. It sucks. Am I making any sense? Yes, I'm in a hurry. But I am about to run out of pages in my little pink Moleskine, the one I use to record all my FF data. And I am certainly in a worse place than when I started.

Tapping my fingers

I am waiting. Waiting is killing me. I'm not good at it. I'm impatient. At least I finally had my period, so now I am waiting for that lovely ovulation to happen. Until then, I'm back to the FF chart, and doing OPKs every day. And when I'm done waiting for the ovulation, I have to wait another ten days until they do the hysteroscopy. Which sounds uncomfortable, and a little scary. It only has a .5% risk of complications, but with my luck, I will be the .5%. But we need to do it. I didn't get any test results back yet, and since it'[s been twenty days I'm going to start bugging my doctor's office. I want something. Some bait while I wait. Ahhhhhrgggg!
On another note, I have realized I'm not healed from the miscarriages. I thought I had already mourned them. But nope. Last weekend my mom shot me the news that my cousin and his wife are having a baby in May. It was harsh. I started crying, hysterically. I wasn't crying because of the baby they are going to have, of course, I'm actually happy for them. I was crying for the babies I will never have, the three I already lost. And for the uncertainty about the future. I was crying because I ain't going to have no baby. So now, three people very dear to me are going to have babies around the times of the three due dates that could have been. Thanks nature, babies emanate happiness.

We have a plan

I finally got to see the fancy specialist at University of Chicago, Dr Stephenson, on Thursday. She was personable, respectful, and kind. And very very very proactive, which is all I want now. The first thing that called her attention is my thyroid. She didn't like the fact that has been at 3.5 for a while. I didn't like it either, but my regular OB didn't care about it. That on its own could have caused the miscarriages. But, to be sure, she took 16 vials of my blood (yes, sixteen, and I hadn't even had breakfast, so imagine...) and she is going to test for various things. She also wants to do a hysteroscopy and a biopsy of my uterine lining. That will happen between 9 and 11 days after my next LH surge. I haven't even had my period yet, so I guess it will be at the end of October. It's a little invasive, and given my history with tachycardia she needs to give me some extra drugs to keep my heart at a safe rate. I hate that I cannot control when will it happen. And I have to do OPKs again. I'm cooking garbanzo beans tonight, and I will drink their broth. At least when I was young in Spain, we were told that that causes you period to come. I'm sure it was all the placebo effect, but I will try it anyway, it may work. Once they do the biopsy, the lining is sent to a lab in Yale, to be analyzed by the only guy in the States who does this kind of high tech test. And we'll go from there. She also told me that I have to quit smoking (I know, and I did quit before trying the three times), but since she said I need to be clear of nicotine for one month before trying, and that is not going to happen in the next two months, I think I will give myself an extension. I'm rather anxious, and a cigarette a day helps cope with that. Plus, I am back (sort of) in the club scene, so I will take it easy for some weeks.
I hate having to wait so long. I want a baby, and I want that baby now. As I said before, I want to go to sleep and wake up nine months later with a baby on my pillow.
I liked the doctor because she was the first one to pay any attention to my Fertility Friend charts, that I have been retrieving for a year. I liked her because she actually paid attention to me. She even asked what was my theory about what's going on, and she seemed to agree with me, or at least take my gut feelings into account. And considering that these are matters of the gut, I find that very important. I felt respected. I felt understood. She didn't try to minimize my losses. She didn't say, "It's fine". Because it's not. And she knows it. Now I know hope.