Note to OFF

On a very ironic turn of events, one of my best friend's baby shower was today. And I had to attend. It was kind of formal. I thought I would get away with it, but I also had to open presents with her. She knew, but her mother in law didn't, and she insisted. I held on for three hours and a half, but I sort of crashed after that and ended up crying in the restroom. I guess I end up crying every time I see the blood coming out of me. Showering this morning was a nightmare. I didn't remember, but my sister and a friend from Europe reminded me that today is Santa Ana, my onomastic (I don't even know if that word exists in English). Funny, isn't it? Although it's not.

OFF

That's how my body is. Or at least it looks like it. Something doesn't work in there. Something is broken. I don't think it was broken from the beginning, it got broke on my way here. Which is why I want a VBAC, so they don't break anything else. But in order to have a VBAC I need to be pregnant first. And I don't think I am anymore. Yesterday I started having cramps and bleeding. I went to the ER. My official name now is "gravitas 3, 1 live birth". It's not their fault I overheard it. It sounds like a bad soccer game you loose. They are not sure yet I'm miscarrying, my cervix was apparently closed, but the blood doesn't look good. There was still some hCG, but they couldn't tell for sure. I have to try to get an appointment for tomorrow and have more blood work done and a proper ultrasound. It's pretty awful. I feel bad. My whole body aches. And although I try to keep some hope and send some strength to the potential baby, I know that my breasts have softened, as has my belly. And I feel like a big piece of crap. And I want to grab a bottle of whiskey and a box of cigarrettes, and sit outside looking to the moon and asking her: WHY?

Another rayita, another hope

After two negative pregnancy tests last week, I got a positive one today. Clear and loud, a dark blue line. I never got a line that blue. Even if I don't want to be too happy, or too hopeful, or my usual optimistic, I can't avoid to be elated. I jumped, I screamed, I laughed. I have an appointment at my OB's office to have blood work done to confirm it. After that, I'll write a proper post, and maybe even a ticker.

Nope

Not this time. I got my period some days ago. Or what I think it´s my period, but it resembles my miscarriage more than anything else I´ve seen before... Since I´m in the countryside in Spain, I didn´t have a chance to take a pregnancy test, so there is no way to know. It may be better, because I want to start trying as soon as I can, which is as soon as I meet my husband after three weeks apart... I have my hopes on the summer. And since I´ll have a full house as soon as I get back to Chicago, I won´t have time to think too much about it. I´m sure that will help. In the meanwhile, I keep charting, but I have crzay cycles, and my OB doesn´t seem to care about that. I may have to change OB´s again. :(

Hmmmm

I´m humming. And trying not to think. My cycles are crazy. Supposedly we entirely missed this month´s ovulation if it even happens, since we are in different countries. Nothing in my charts indicates anything about it. But I peed eight times today. What may seem normal. But I am known to be able to fly from Chicago to Madrid without using the restroom even once. With a stopover in London. I mean, I usually go ten hours without peeing. And suddenly, today, I was peeing every two hours. And there is no green tea in this house. It probably means nothing, and I don´t even have pregnancy tests at home here. I am not even sure of where to get one in Spain. Maybe I´ll try a pharmacy, just in case... It would be a sweet surprise. But I don´t want hopes of any kind. The first time around it sort of happened this way, when it was supposedly impossible to happen. And there he is, already two and thriving.
I haven´t blogged much since the miscarriage, but activity in the reproductory department has been pretty much non existent.
I´ll keep humming...

New cycle, one month to go

My first period after the miscarriage started today. Not a particularly happy day, I'm kind of emotional. The fact that I have a cold doesn't help. But I'm teary, and a little sad. I guess that, in a way, reality kicked in. The good part is that we only have one month to go before we try again. I can't wait. And at the same time it scares me to death. Today I told about it to some of the girls in a VBAC support group I belong to. Surprisingly, I got a bunch of particularly understanding responses from some of them. Apparently it's way more common than anyone thinks. I should know, my mom and my sister have been through this before. But yet no one talks about it. That should change. Let's take some drama out of something very dramatic. I'm just glad I have this amazing group of extra strong women to count on.
Note to myself: don't ask people when they are going to have the next baby, or the first baby, or any kind of baby. You don't know what's going on on their reproductive lives. I got asked twice today when I'm having the next one. Not a question I want to hear right now. But, how would they know, if we just don't talk about it?
I guess that so far this blog is being more about the journey than about the VBAC. I hope the journey takes me there someday.

April

I have been out for a while, I didn't feel like writing. I'm still not sure I have something to say, but sooner or later I have to go back to this blog. April is a new month, and I'll take advantage of that. I'm feeling fine now, totally recovered physically, although we have been told to wait two cycles before we try again. Mentally, I cried for three days like crazy, I allowed myself to have two self pity weeks, and I have been fine for a week. A friend took me to her place in Michigan, and it was a very healing experience. I lost my baby. It was already my baby, and he or she will never come back. Ese bebé no va a ser. I may have another baby in the future, but I have come to terms with the fact that I lost this one, and there is no one to blame, it's not my fault. My therapist is confident that I'm doing fine for good, although it scares me a little bit to be doing good. But, what do I gain if I sit down to feel sorry for myself? Nada. Nothing. I have a toddler to take care of, and a life to go back to. I may still be sad sometimes, but I have to be strong, because this was not the end of the journey. It was the end of a stage. I wish it never happened, I wish it wouldn't happen to anyone. But it does. And it's even kind of common. But no one talks about it, and that makes it worse. Because there is nothing to feel embarrassed about. There is nothing to hide. So I have decided to talk about it. Openly. It's healing. It helps.
Having news of other babies being born gives me hope. Last week my friend R became a father. Today I read about another new baby. I'm all in for happy news.