Up... and down... up... and down...

... tarararararatararararara... This was a disco song from my teens. Long time ago. We are back to trying. I have to admit that we started on Sunday, without the doc's ok. But they left a message in my voicemail yesterday telling us to go ahead. My thyroid is back at 1.8, nice and comfortable. I still have to go on Thursday to get the results fromj the Yaleman. Nice start for my first Christmas Eve in the States. I don't enjoy the trying, but there is no way around it if I want a baby. DIY insemination is way cheaper than the medical one. So we'll keep trying. And if I don't get pregnant this month, 2010's will be the second Christmas I spend far from home. Tararararararatararararara. Up... and down... Just like my mood.

Done and cleared

I finally had my hysteroscopy done yesterday, and it wasn't nearly as scary or painful as I expected. They took very good care of me, the were gentle and sensitive, and doped me accordingly. As my doctor said, I was loopy. She also said that my uterus looked lovely, one of the best compliments I have ever heard. I left a happy woman. She found some scarring in my cervix (probably due to the IUD) that she had to remove in order to get in. But everything else is good. She took a biopsy that we sent to the man in Yale, so he tells us how my uterine lining is doing. And she wants to see us again on the 17th, to regroup, and, as far as my thyroid is back to normal, give us the go to trying again.
On the down side, we saw a genetic counselor on Tuesday regarding Hubby's chromosomal translocation. We have a 15% higher chance of miscarriage than everybody else, and we have a 3% higher chance of having a baby with birth defects, of any kind. Of course they offered embryo selection, sperm donation, and all kind of prenatal invasive tests to decide whether to continue with the pregnancy or not. Of course I refused. They were understanding, and not at all pushy. They understood. And I am glad they did. Because there is no reason that would make me get rid of my baby. I totally respect whatever decision anyone else does. But not me. I couldn't. They will be my babies. As the three I lost were. As the one who is running around the apartment naked still is. No mother should aspire to perfection. It's not how it works. And if you do, maybe you shouldn't be a mother at all. Am I being judgemental? Maybe. But I feel entitled. I will be just happy to keep being a mom. I know where I am getting myself into. I know the chances. And I will welcome and love every child we have. We won't cope with the problems until they arrive. Wisdom learning of the week.
Despite all this, I couldn't be happier. Because little L is walking (and running, and bouncing, and hugging, and kissing) proof that we can have a baby. I just can't wait to try again, with more knowledge, and more peace.

One year

I can't believe it, but it has been one year since I started this blog. Tomorrow is my birthday, which means that I should be cleaning up and preparing things for the party I finally had to organize myself. I'm certainly not happy about that. One year ago I hoped I would have a chubby baby in my arms by this time. I don't. I could have, the due date for the first miscarriage passed this week. But I don't. An I have two more missed due dates to go. They will be hard. I don't have a baby in my arms, but I know more than last week. It turns out that I'm fine. But our chances of carrying a baby to term are slimmer. Apparently little L was our lucky shot. The doc said we have good chances of having more babies. But they want to do all kinds of prenatal testing. And I don't. I won't. Because even in the worst case scenario, I would never terminate the pregnancy. I'm as agnostic as they come, but I have lost three tiny babies. As little as they could be at six weeks of pregnancy, they were my babies. I also won't get pregnant unless I have realistic expectations of having a VBAC. If a c-section is mandatory, I'm out.
We have an appointment with a genetic doctor in two weeks. They wanted to meet this week, but of course Mr Hubby is too busy. Which bugs me. A lot. The doctor made sure to repeat him one hundred times that it is not his fault. I didn't hear anything of the kind when the ball was on my side of the court. Am I pissed? Very much. Do I feel bad for him? Certainly. But when today I got a package with all the forms from the genetic office, I got mad. Because they are addressed at me. Because they include a shiny brochure of all the fancy prenatal tests they can perform. Because I know I'm in for a fight. And one year later, I don't know if it is a fight I can endure. What a lovely birthday I will have. In four hours, I will be thirty.

Incertidumbre

If you thought (as I did) that this sucks, wait until you read the next development. After I don't know how many calls to Dr S's office, trying to get the thyroid medication, the nurse finally called back. Of course, she didn't remember why I called her on the first place. I told her, and she told me she would check my test results, talk to the doctor, and call me back with the prescription. Instead, one hour later the doctor called. She just told me that she want to meet us as soon as possible to discuss some test results. I know something is wrong because the nurse told me that unless there is some red flag they don't give results until they have all the test, hysteroscopy included. And since she called, I asked the doctor if I should assume that there is something wrong. She said yes. We have the appointment for Wednesday, which will make for five very long days. I have already gone through the worst case scenarios: lupus, cancer, not being able to have more kids... It's a defense mechanism. Which won't work. And it will make me crazy. If there is something worse than bad news, is waiting for them in the dark. Arrrrggghhhh!

Mad

I am actually beyond mad. I just realized, that if my cycles do whatever FF expects them to do, my next tiny window for the hysteroscopy is... Thanksgiving!?F*&%# And the next one... Christmas!?@#%$&^**^( You can guess the rest. I went again on Wednesday to have my blood drawn for chromosomal testing. My arm is still sore and tender. And I couldn't even get the flu shot. Not that I want to, I would actually skip it altogether, and I won't get Little L one, but Dr S said it was not open to discussion. I told her I will get it if I can get before I'm pregnant, but that I won't, for anything, get it afterwards.
I had a revealing experience this weekend. I attended a workshop about Spanish feminine short stories, and while analyzing the texts I realized how much my life is focused on infertility right now. I see it everywhere. The funny thing was that my obsession led the well known author who was leading the workshop to talk to me at the end, and I managed to buy her lunch the day after, only to discover that she has also dealt with this kind of issues. Her advice? Stop it. Don't make yourself suffer anymore. Adopt. Not bad. At least she got me writing again, I think I have an idea for a short story book, and I already started. Let's see what happens. Of course, infertility is there. As it is everywhere else. I have nightmares. I have gained at least six pounds in the last three weeks. I'm anxious, all the time. I'm not smoking because I don't feel like it (weiiiiird). So I eat. All the time. Constantly. Salty, sweet, salty, sweet... It's disgusting. I want to stop. I had managed to lose some weight over the last months... Gaining it back in mere weeks doesn't seem like a good idea. I guess I need my therapist. A lot. Or a baby. But that will not happen in at least a couple of months. Sigh.

Already upset

And I have known the doctor for just a few weeks... I called several times last week trying to get some of my test results, to no avail. The nurse told me that they only give them to you when they have all of them and the doctor meets with you to design a plan. That already made me a little mad, since it is my blood, all 16 vials of it. Then, I called to let them know that I ovulated on Saturday, and I needed to set up an appointment to do the hysteroscopy. Their answer? They are already booked!!!!!!! I was extremely mad and disappointed. This can happen again next month. A few sweeties here and there, and thanking me for being patient will not fix it. The only thing they have gotten is for me to reconsider the hysteroscopy. I want them to give me the results for the thyroid test now, start taking hormones to fix that now, and maybe try to get pregnant again in one month, without doing the hysteroscopy. I know I run a pretty high risk of miscarrying again. But no one can guarantee me that it couldn't happen anyway after further testing. And this way we don't touch an already touched uterus. With my gynecologic luck, I'm sure I will be the 1% complication rate. I'm always the residual percentage. I make all their statistics. It sucks. Am I making any sense? Yes, I'm in a hurry. But I am about to run out of pages in my little pink Moleskine, the one I use to record all my FF data. And I am certainly in a worse place than when I started.

Tapping my fingers

I am waiting. Waiting is killing me. I'm not good at it. I'm impatient. At least I finally had my period, so now I am waiting for that lovely ovulation to happen. Until then, I'm back to the FF chart, and doing OPKs every day. And when I'm done waiting for the ovulation, I have to wait another ten days until they do the hysteroscopy. Which sounds uncomfortable, and a little scary. It only has a .5% risk of complications, but with my luck, I will be the .5%. But we need to do it. I didn't get any test results back yet, and since it'[s been twenty days I'm going to start bugging my doctor's office. I want something. Some bait while I wait. Ahhhhhrgggg!
On another note, I have realized I'm not healed from the miscarriages. I thought I had already mourned them. But nope. Last weekend my mom shot me the news that my cousin and his wife are having a baby in May. It was harsh. I started crying, hysterically. I wasn't crying because of the baby they are going to have, of course, I'm actually happy for them. I was crying for the babies I will never have, the three I already lost. And for the uncertainty about the future. I was crying because I ain't going to have no baby. So now, three people very dear to me are going to have babies around the times of the three due dates that could have been. Thanks nature, babies emanate happiness.