Hormones

I just put a cup of tea in the cupboard to warm it. Are those pregnancy hormones kicking in? I feel some abdominal discomfort, but not cramps. Every day is one day more of pregnancy. Tic tac tic tac... I'm five weeks today.

Double double double double...

The words that a woman with a history of early miscarriage expects to hear the most are "It doubled". And I heard them today. Although still very low at 130, it doubled from Saturday, which means that the baby in my belly is growing. I'm aware of the fact that right now it's only a ball of cells reproducing like crazy, but that ball of cells happens to be my baby. And I had only had my HCG levels double with the pregnancies that resulted in the two lovely boys who drive me crazy  at home every night. Actually, I even have an appointment for an ultrasound next week. Which will be a very long week as they are not doing any more bloodwork on me until then. I will be kind of nervius. Just kind of.

Here goes the 8th

Pregnancy, it is. Because I am pregnant again. I wasn't trying, I wasn't doing OPKs, I wasn't expecting it and I was utterly surprised when I took a test yesterday, 2 days after my period  should have started. I normally know one week earlier, but I seriously didn't think it would happen.

My first reaction was tears. Not joyful tears, but tears of fear. Fear of having to go again through a miscarriage, so soon after the last one. I then decided that fear is like giving up, and I am not giving up on this baby so soon. It sucks that yesterday was Friday, so although I had bloodwork done today I won't have any results until Monday. The wait is excruciating. All my tension sits in my uterus, that feels hard as an apple. And I pee as little as I can because I am scared of seeing blood. Nonecof those things are good for the pregnancy, but there is not much I can do to relax. Sleep would be good. Maybe later. Meanwhile, I'll keep up the hope while rubbing my belly.

:(

How something as routine and silly as flushing the toilet can become so difficult and painful? I started bleeding yesterday, and every single time I go to the bathroom I cannot avoid thinking that somewhere in tbe blood I'm flushin away is my baby, and I am letting him go like waste. 

That may be one of the hardest things about early miscarriage, that you can only say goodbye to a gush of blood. I may have just been five weeks pregnant, but I already loved this baby, who was wanted and waited for. 

I'm in pain, and look terrible, but the damage is to my soul, not to my body. Is my heart what will need some patches. And even if I have another baby, I won't forget this one, or the previous four I lost. I will try again, soon.

Why?

Why do I get excited when I see a positive pregnancy test? Because I can't help it, I guess, although for the fifth time I am proven wrong. I just found out that I'm going to have my fifth miscarriage in the next ten days. Like that, on the phone. It is early, four weeks or so. But it hurts the same. They call it a chemical pregnancy. I call it losing a baby. And I cry. I hold my belly, as if I could keep the baby in there. And as much as I feel like smoking a cigarette, I won't, because I don't want to hurt my baby who won't be. And I wonder, once again, why? They don't know. And in general, the medical community doesn't care enough to try to figure out why. It is not going to bring them any money. And still, it affects so many women. It is nature, I get it. But still... Why? I want to know. Because I will try again. Soon. Nature 5-Me 2. 

I thought my journey ended the day little Pb was born. I had my VBAC, and it was the most healing experience I have ever had. It took care of all the things that had been making me unhappy for three years. On top of that I have a gorgeous wonderful lovable baby. But we may have to start a whole new journey. Yesterday we learned that Pb may have hearing loss. We don't know more for now, we have a appointment with an audiologist on Friday. But yesterday he failed an audition test we did at his doctor's office. And I have been thinking he doesn't hear for weeks. So we start a new chapter. I hope they tell us the machine was broken and he hears perfectly. But the truth is that he is 8 months old today, he doesn't babble, he doesn't respond to his name and he doesn't turn around to loud sounds. We'll see. But it may be time to start a whole new blog. I have been looking around and I didn't find any regarding hearing loss in kids. For now, I'll write here. It's going to be a loooooong three days.
Please, Santa, bring me good hearing for my baby.

I got it!

I got my VBAC. Ten days ago, April 20, two days shy of Not So Little L's birthday, I gave birth to a healthy 9lb 11oz (4.4 kgs) and 20.5 inches long (52 cms) baby boy. And being able to say "gave birth" feels so good that I would do it again tomorrow. Did I get the birth I wanted? Not exactly. But the only one who didn't respect my birth plan was me, so I guess it's fine. I'm all hormonal now, crying and laughing and wanting to go out but still not recovered. Because that was a big baby, and on top of it he was acynclitic, so pushing him out took three hours, a lot of effort, and a second degree tear. But as I said, I wouldn't have it any other way.

So, there goes my story:

I'll start saying that our experience at UIC couldn't have been better. Everyone treated us with respect and care. Everyone read our birth plan it without us prompting them, and followed it.

On Sunday night I started having contractions, so we called our doula and went to the hospital. It was a false alarm, an although I was in pre labor I was sent home, and continued having on and off contractions for a couple of days. On Tuesday morning I had my appointment with my doctor, and since my blood pressure was high on Sunday she suggested an induction to avoid an emergency C-section in case my BP would go up again. After a little thought we decided to go for it. I have to admit that even though the idea of an induction scared me, I was easy prey, with L's birthday three days away.

We went to the hospital and started with a very low dose of pit at 3 pm Tuesday (it stayed pretty low, lower than 8 until the pushing stage). It was fine for the first few hours, but in the middle of the night the contractions started coming closer and being more painful, and at one point I decided to ask for an epidural. Both my husband and doula were great at helping me cope with the pain, and at trying to convince me not to get it, but I reached a point when I couldn't keep going without getting something for the pain. And although I was a little upset about it at the beginning, I made peace with my decision when I saw how big baby P was. After that I was able to rest, and by 2:30 pm of Wednesday I felt the urge to push, so we started. I was surprised to be as comfortable as I was with a resident managing the early stage of pushing, to the point that although my doctor came at the end I preferred the resident to catch the baby, since she did an amazing job of helping me push effectively, and massaging me trying to help the baby get out, since on top of being big he was asynclitic. After nearly three hours of pushing he came out, and I was able to hold him immediately, and kept him for a while. I was able to try to nurse him at that time, too. I had a second degree tear that is taking longer than I expected to heal, but it's also true that I wasn't able to rest the first few days.

We have been home for a few days, and we are still adjusting to life with two kids, but P is nursing like a champ and L is the best big brother we could have ever expected.

Once again, our doula was a big help with the birth, and everyone at UIC was great. I have read many times that residents are not supportive of VBACs, but that was not my experience at all. On their behalf I have to say that the two of them who assisted me were not only very supportive of it, but encouraging and even excited. On a different note, everyone was extremely proactive about breastfeeding: they offered constant help, didn't push too much about formula even though the baby was born with the sugar level on the lower side (resolved on its own), and didn't send me home with formula merchandising. Also I saw how they promoted breastfeeding among moms who weren't interested on it.

It was a great experience, and it gave me back my confidence. It made me feel like superwoman, even with the epidural thing. I'll try again next time. But for now, I just want to enjoy the baby in the cradle by my bed, the one who took three years to make. And I haven't forgotten the four who never will be born, although they will always be my babies. But this is a time to rejoice, not to cry, to care for my sons, to cuddle them, kiss them, pamper them. They are my world. And if i had any doubt during the pregnancy about being able to love them both the same, it went away as soon as they put on my breasts my little baby, still covered in blood and vernix, and I was able to kiss him, and cry, and immediately fall in love with him.

39w 5d

I can't believe I made it this far. Since little L came early I assumed this one would come early too. But here I am, two days short of my due date, and baby still seems happy in there. I have thought three times that I was in labor, with 1 minute long contraction every 4 minutes for more than an hour. The three times I managed to sleep and it went away. And now I'm eagerly waiting for it to happen. Luckily my doctor seems cool with waiting, she only wants me to go on Friday for a non stress fetal test. Which I presume will be fine since little P (I know, it sounds awful in English) moves quite a lot. In a perfect world I wouldn't make it until Friday. I'm a little bit anxious, because not so little L's birthday is coming up in exactly nine days and i want to be there with him. We'll see. But so far everything looks good, no one has mentioned the word C-section, baby is in good position to launch, and I feel so good that I went out with my friends yesterday night.

Hopefully, I will post a birth story very soon. I'm due.

Pre labor?

I have been a disastrous VBAC blogger. I haven't written at all during the pregnancy. I haven't had the time, either, because I have worked more during the last four months that during the rest of my life altogether. Seriously. There was not much to say, either. The pregnancy has been as uneventful as it could have been. Actually uneventful is my new favorite word. And other that attend one ICAN meeting and doing pre-natal yoga (I love Sweet Pea Studio), I have done nothing to get ready. i have tried to read Birthing from Within, but it may not be my book. I have hired a doula. Other than that, my instinct is telling me to do nothing but wait and let my organism handle things, to let it do its job and give my body all my confidence.

As Braxton Hicks started getting more regular on Saturday and Sunday, that's what I have been doing. I'm uncomfortable, but still working. There is not a part of my body that doesn't ache, so my favorite place is the shower. Being in bed is excruciating. I haven't slept properly in weeks. And my funny instinct is telling me that I want to be left alone. I want to hide in my corner, in my room, and do my things, my translations, my blogging, my waiting in my room, on my own. I'm not sure I even want my husband around. I feel like an animal being observed by everyone, all of them looking for signs that for me are precious and private. This business only belongs to my baby and me, Pablo and I are the ones who have to go through this together, and no one can help us. We have to be in sync, and work hard, both of us. I'm extremely weary of going to the hospital, so I'm trying to make it until tomorrow, when I have my appointment with my doctor. So far she has been wonderful and I trust her, but I don't trust anyone else. I absolutely feel like having this baby on my own, in my room. I won't, of course, because I forgot, as everyone does, the animal in me. I'm too biased to dare it. But until I'm really ready to push this baby out, I'm not going anywhere, I'm not talking about it (I'll write to strangers in the open wider web, though ;) ), I'm not doing everything but breath, and wave, and keep in touch with my baby.

End of rant.

Of dads

I just read this powerful birth story in CNN. It's an amazing one, specially considering that my husband doesn't even want to cut the cord, let alone catch the baby, which is what I would love him (or myself, for that matter) to do. It would be perfect if the first hands that touch him are ours, if our voices are the first sound he hears after coming out. But in these times of medical births, specially considering that I will give birth in the hospital, the most likely scenario is that my OB will catch him, and it will be her voice giving directions to the nurses the first one he hears. The focus won't be about him. It will be on getting a job done. I bothers me, but homebirth is not an option in our case. Unless baby has other plans, as the one in the story did.

Otherwise, the pregnancy is still as uneventful as it could be. Let's hope it stays that way, because I still have eight weeks to go, no crib or anything else prepared, and a ton of work to do.

And of course, at 30 weeks...

... we had our first trip to the ER. It was like deja vu. I've been here, I've done this. Four years ago, to be more exact. I thought i was out of the woods when four weeks ago they told me that I didn't have gestational diabetes. But for the last few days I had been having a pretty bad headache and today I decided to go to CVS to check my blood pressure. Sadly, IPhone doesn't have an app for that yet. Of course my BP was 145/105, which is pretty high. I called my doctor's emergency number, and they told me to go to the ER, which in UIC's case is labor and delivery. That's a very good thing, because you deal with people who know what they are doing, not with regular ER doctors with no expertise in OB/Gyn, which was my experience at Prentice. Everyone was extremely nice, they checked my BP and heart rate (which as is common in me was on the high side) for a couple of hours, and when they started believing that I'm really fine at 120 bpm they allowed me to go home, and take the 24 hour urine sample here. I had preeclampsia with my first pregnancy, and such samples were taken during a 24 hour hospital stay that made us crazy. We never understood why I needed to be admitted to pee on a jar. What I loved about UIC is that we didn't even have to ask for it. They thought about it on their own. Seeing first hand how low intervention they are is reassuring for me. It may not be the fanciest hospital in town, but I'm more certain every week that it is the best place to try for a VBAC.

The only down side about today is that they gave me a bag and a half of IV fluids, and now my legs could go straight to the elephant section in the zoo. IVs and me is not a good mix.

If I could just hope this is the last visit...

Dream

Yesterday I dreamt with my baby boy. I was sitting in a rocking chair, holding him in my arms. He was a chubby beautiful baby, trying to steal my trail mix (that's the weird part). It was a calm and pretty dream. Which scares me, because the only dream i was able to remember during my first pregnancy was about a perfect birth, which of course didn't happen. I can just hope that the beautiful baby does. By now I have a round belly that moves at night. Everything is fine so far, other than terrible pubic bone pain which at this point would prevent me from giving birth since it gets so bad that I cannot open my legs. Dr H doesn't seem to care about it, or about anything else for that matter. She is not my perfect match, but I know she is my best chance for a VBAC. So far thats all I have done to achieve my goal. I started pre natal yoga at Sweet Pea Studio last week, and I loved the class. I hope it helps with birth. From now on i'm going to focus in getting in touch with myself.

I guess tomorrow there will be a new post, since I have the first glucose screening. I had gestational diabetes during my first pregnancy, so I'm a little anxious about this one. But I have to wait until tomorrow.

Clear... and clearly not.

It's been a long time, but baby is still in there, happily bouncing around. The pregnancy is being uneventful so far, other than the horrible round ligament pain I have been having for the last month. It's bad, and it's new, I didn't feel anything of the kind during my first pregnancy. It got so bad that one day three weeks ago I ended up in the ER just to make sure baby was fine. Of course I was seen by a twelve year old resident, which wasn't very reassuring. She also told us that baby was a girl. But of course she was twelve, and we were very surprised to find out this week during my twenty week ultrasound that it's actually a boy. I didn't have a preference, so I'm equally happy. At least we hadn't picked a name yet. Which is still the case. With our first, we knew even before i got pregnant that he would be named Lucas. But now we are totally lost. It's not that easy, because we want something short that is pronounced more or less the same in English and in Spanish. We have a short list, and hopefully we will have a pick in the next weeks.

Now that I have been assured that my baby by is fine, and that they didn't see any abnormalities during the ultrasound, it's time to start thinking about the birth itself. I have already booked a doula, and I will get several birthing books this week. I'm going to skip the birthing classes because they were a money waste the first time around. Instead i will start doing prenatal yoga after Christmas. I'm 19 w 5 d, so I think it' time to start thinking positively about that VBAC I want to have. No, I'm not being delusional, I'm being positive and instilling confidence in myself. Kick, kick. Baby agrees with me :)

14w, 2d

I finally feel officially pregnant. Until this week, I was seeing a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist who didn't do any prenatal testing, only ultrasounds to make sure that the baby was fine and where he/she is supposed to be. But on Tuesday I transferred to Dr H, who will be my OB and hopefully will deliver the baby. We are far from being out of the whole high risk loop due to the chromosomal traslocation and my previous preeclampsia. She is an MFM, and both she and her midwife are lovely, nice, caring, joyful women, who totally made me feel like I'm being taken care of. Which is something I haven't felt often in this country. Since they work at UIC I feel that my chances of a VBAC are better. They said that so far, there is nothing that indicates against a trial of labor. I am realistic, and they are encouraging, which should be a better mix than we had the first time around.
I have already contacted a doula, and I hope to meet her in the next couple of weeks so we can see whether we connect or not. If we do, I will be able to check something else off my list. Now I need to find prenatal yoga classes. I hate exercising, but I'm sure I will feel better if I do it, and my back will be in better shape.
I can tell that I am way happier than I have been in the last few weeks. I guess I was scared. I still am, and I will be until I have this baby in my arms. My next milestone is the 20 week level 2 ultrasound. After that, comes birth in my paranoid book. But I am enjoying it now, to such a point of relaxation that I fell asleep three times in the bus or train this week. That's not me. And that elates me.

12w 1d

Since I bought the first footsie this week I think I can already scream that I'm pregnant. Twelve weeks pregnant. And so far, everything appears to go well. Baby is fine, where h/she is supposed to be. And I have made it through the first trimester. The last four times we didn't even made it to half the first trimester, so this is huge. HUGE. We have probably had seven appointments with our doctor, and we are graduating from her next week, when we have our last appointment and another ultrasound. It would be the seventh, which in a way is scary, but in another reassuring. I am the weird mom who doesn't like ultrasounds, but when I get to see the baby moving around my womb I get some hours of peace.
I'm still terrified. Terrified of something happening to the baby, of the baby not being fine, of having another C-section. I'll start working on that in ten days, when I have my first appointment with doctor H, with whom I hope to give birth to my baby at UIC. She is the most likely to give me a fair shot to an unmedicated VBAC. I'm 28 weeks from that, which seems like a lot, but with all I have to do, I need to start to prepare soon. I need to read some books. I need to go back to therapy to prepare in case I have another C-section. I have to hire a doula. I have to find someone to take care of my son when I go to the hospital. My parents cannot come, so that's an issue. I have to try to get my body ready to birth, which is a challenge when you are a high risk mama. I have to work. I have to take care of my son, who is already three and a half.
That's my start up to do list. It will keep building up. Thankfully, being an Spaniard and living in a two bedroom prevents me from worrying about nurseries, and he/she being my second baby means that all the gear is already here.
I'm looking forward to Thursday. To see my baby again. I already feel his/her presence in my belly. I already had to start using maternity pant, my usual tight jeans don't cut it anymore. And I'm looking forward to keep posting. Hopefully, it will be a smooth ride with a happy ending. Anyway, I will share it with you.

Break

A mental one, I mean. I haven´t posted in a long time, but the episode that followed my last post should be easy to guess for anyone who has been following my journey. Days later I miscarried, spent my day in bed, and went back to work. I got mad at my doctor because she made me go all the way to her office just to tell me to keep trying. And I rebeled. I decided to take a break, and spend six weeks in Spain with my toddler. I stopped taking temperatures, doing OPKs, charting. I smoke, drink and ingest caffeine. In small amounts, but I do. And i don´t even remember when i had my last period. I decided not to know. I may be pregnant. I´ll check one of this days. If I am not, I will keep trying, for sure. But since my doctor doesn´t have a clue of what´s causing me to miscarry, and I don´t believe in randomness four times in a row, I´m trying on my own terms. i cannot keep putting my lofe on hold. i will live, and hopefully have another baby while I do it. which is what I did the first time around, when we conceived my beautiful son, the one who naps happily while I write. As oppossed to the four I lost in the way of being very careful so I would keep them.

So careful no more. Welcome back to live, myself. To live as I knew it. And the best part is that since i don´t time anything anymore, I even enjoy sex again. It´s not productive. It´s pleasureable. Which may lead to success.

Medically, for some reason my thyroid dropped dramatically to 0.4. Which confirms my theory that the USA affects my health. Obviously it dropped while I was in Spain, maybe I wouldn´t need the medication there. They have halved my dose, and we will see how it´s doing in a few weeks. Until then, i will keep waiting. While. I. Enjoy. The. Summer.

Numb

I'm not smoking. I'm not drinking alcohol. I'm not drinking coffee or tea, unless it's decaffeinated. I don't polish my nails. I don't take sugar substitutes. I'm not eating junk food. I'm not stressing. I'm not having sex. I'm not being defeated. But still, my numbers on Friday were:
hCG: 38
Progesterone: 8
That's bad. Very bad. I haven't started experiencing any symptoms yet, but that means that I am going to have my fourth miscarriage in less than one year. That means that all the temperature taking, all the pills (vitamins, progesterone, levothyroxine). all the OPKs are worth nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because at the end of the day, I probably won't have a baby. I still say probably because the nurse didn't dare say yay or nay (I quote her literally). And I don't want to shed that little last drop of hope. But that's the optimist in me. The realistic, rational Ana knows that this is done. Now what? I don't know.
I have heard all types of consolations. I have friends who tell me not to worry, that it will work next time (which I also heard the first, second and third time). I have friends trying to convince me that an only child is the best thing that can happen to you. I have friends trying to convince me to go the IVF/ embryo selection road. I have friends telling me to stop trying altogether. I have friends who don't know what to say. And I have a couple of friends who totally get it. Because they have been in place very similar to the one I am in now. I guess the good part is that I have lots of friends. The bad one is that none of them will become my baby.
I am very thankful of U2 for writing the song that gave me the title for this post, included in their album Zooropa. It makes me feel a little better. Not too much, but at least a little.

One week

I feel weird, since it's been a long time since I knew for that long that I was pregnant without nothing bad happening. I'm still feeling fine. I checked all my Fertility Friend charts, and I have realized that my miscarriages happened on day 17 post ovulation. That's tomorrow. And other than seeing my therapist, I will sit very still, with my legs crossed, playing Legos with my son from the couch. He will lift them up for me, I'm sure.
And, for the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to walk the baby aisles at Target. And they didn't make me cry. I was able to look at bibs, little spoons, burping cloths and tiny clothes without shedding a tear. I was actually happy. I haven't told almost anyone yet. I told the ladies at ICAN on Sunday, and my two closest friends. We won't tell our families until I'm a few more weeks along, or until little L spills the news, which he almost did while in the phone with my mom yesterday.
Today I have the most difficult task yet. I have to tell my friend S, who has been sharing my infertility journey. I know for experience how hard it is to hear about pregnancies when you cannot have a baby. I know she will be happy for me, but also a little sad. If at least it gives her some hope, I will be fine.

Funny

I am still pregnant, which is weird, since the last three times I didn't know for long... I am feeling better, I didn't have any pain yesterday. I tried not to move around too much. I did stuff, like grading, comfortably sitting in my bed. The doctor hasn't said anything about resting, but I know that in Spain I would be put at least at partial rest, and I have noticed that the pain comes when I am very active. It seems wise to take it easy.
This morning I had a hilarious awakening. We had to tell our toddler that there is a baby in my tummy, since he is extremely active and has a thing for jumping onto my belly. He climbed into my bed this morning and told me: "Baby out, me in", while he tried to enter my tummy through my navel. It was extremely funny, since he is 32 months old, and rather big for his age. Daddy took his measurements and we decided he wouldn't fit, which seemed to convince him. i guess we will have more humorous moments as the pregnancy progresses. And I will keep posting them here.

Official +

I had blood work done today, and I'm officially pregnant. Not too pregnant, but it's early, so we wouldn't expect higher levels. hCG is at 14.9 (I love the accuracy). Progesterone is at 12. I have to go back in one week to have the test repeated, and have my thyroid checked again, so they can adjust my medication. I loved the fact that I am not being treated as an ignorant being who couldn't understand medical terms. I really appreciate having all the data to the point, and getting answers to any questions I may have. My cramps are getting better, which is reassuring, because they are not normal, as I found out today. But they are definitely gone when I am resting, so I may have to take it easy. I will, as much as I need to. I want this baby.
I agreed with my therapist that I would try to be in a state of cautious joy. I think I am achieving it, but I cannot avoid thinking of my pregnancy as my baby. And even though I know there are no ears yet, I talk to hr, and I whisper: 'Quédate, bebé, quédate", as in a ritual chant. I hope he or she does.